


Moral Compass

by secretreaction



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slice of Life, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, drinking culture, mentions of smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-22
Updated: 2019-07-22
Packaged: 2020-06-30 05:09:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,651
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19846246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretreaction/pseuds/secretreaction
Summary: Back in high school, Doyoung and Ten were attached at the hip. Now, years later, they're nothing alike.





	Moral Compass

**Author's Note:**

> I had so much fun writing this fic. Thanks to everyone who helped me and to the person who sent the prompt in!

Doyoung stares blankly at the traffic light as he lists off the tasks he has to complete by the next day. Today’s traffic is even heavier than usual, and Doyoung briefly considers taking the train to work the next day, but abandons the idea as quickly as it flashed through his mind. He taps the steering wheel with the fingers of his left hand, along to the beat of the song coming out of the radio, and clutches the gearbox with the other. Doyoung barely manages to keep his eyes open. The green light is a wake-up call and Doyoung puts his remaining energy into pressing the gas pedal when he tries to make it before the light turns red. He just can’t spare much time daydreaming. His mind is usually preoccupied with the prospect of replying to the bunch of emails he hasn’t managed to reply to at the office.

Doyoung can’t help but let work loom over his mind every day, no matter what he is doing. It’s always about work, the constant and fixed priority. He knows he can do better, even if his exhausted mind tries to fool him his efforts are just enough.

Just one more turn and Doyoung’s home, the extension of his workplace. He is by no means familiar with the feeling of fulfillment once his workday ends, doesn’t know the comfort of truly enjoying his evening with all the troubles left back in the office.

He strictly ignores the exhaustion creeping up behind his eyelids as he’s used to it haunting him every day; even so, longing for so-called freedom sometimes clouds his mind.

Once his take-out dinner arrives, Doyoung leaves the words and numbers for later in order to eat and check his Kakao for a dose of cat pics from Taeyong. Apart from fifteen attachments, Doyoung finds himself staring at the unexpected notification popping up at the top of the message list.

It’s neither Chuseok nor his birthday, so what would Ten want from him, out of all people?

_Hey Doyoung, what’s up?_

It really shouldn’t raise any concern. Just an old best friend from high school asking how he’s doing, simple as that. Except it’s not. Ever since Ten left Korea, their contact gradually lessened, eventually narrowing down to wishing each other’s happy birthday or peaceful Chuseok. Doyoung would send Lunar New Year greetings, too, but Ten usually included the occasion along with Doyoung’s birthday wishes (‘so that I wouldn’t forget, here’s two in one, even better isn’t it?’).

It’s June. There’s really nothing special about June that would connect them.

Doyoung decides not to dwell on the reason as he reminds himself there’s still a lot more work to do, so he quickly shoots a similar message to Ten and puts his phone away, next to the empty takeout box. The smell of the food and its leftovers is so strong he has to open the window wide, taking in the warm, gentle gusts of almost summer air. That’s the only thing he likes about June. As the summer goes on, it only gets more and more unbearable.

He diligently goes through the emails, but he can’t help his mind wandering elsewhere; from summer nights back in high school to the fading memory of his first holiday without his parents. These paths all have one thing in common. Ten was still there. Just as he was supposed to be for the rest of Doyoung’s life.

A short buzz of the new notification pulls Doyoung away from work for good. He opts out of reading the message in a notification bar so that he has to reply immediately, temporarily abandoning his favorite habit – leaving people on delivered. Doyoung’s curiosity gets the better of him and he quickly taps the message open. It’s quite out of the ordinary for Ten to remember Doyoung still exists for the rest of the year. It doesn’t really happen unless the circumstances call for it.

Doyoung yawns shortly before his eyes begin scanning the whole message. It turns out to be way heavier to take in than Doyoung would’ve ever expected. This isn’t happening, this _can’t_ be. Why is Ten even coming back to Korea? Hasn’t he already settled in China, away from everyone? Ten must be aware Doyoung still keeps a soft spot for him deep inside, to the point he even straight-out asked for a favor.

Doyoung’s head spins violently. He has to react somehow, even if Ten indicated he doesn’t expect an immediate response. Doyoung knows the longer he puts making his mind off, the more sleep he’s going to lose over the matter and, even so, he wishes he could block Ten’s number. Learning how to start facing his fears instead of running away from them was way too tough for Doyoung to show any weakness over such triviality. It’s just a text, nothing more. It’s not as if Ten is going to mess up Doyoung’s whole life.

Except his message means exactly that. Doyoung has distanced his present self from the person he was back in high school; back then, he wouldn’t have thought his relationship with Ten was eventually destined to shatter. Maybe he shouldn’t have taken Ten for granted. He’s always been way too brave to settle for ‘just enough to feel secure’.

" _I need to get Ten out of my mind_ ," Doyoung thinks as he pours himself some whisky and downs it in one go. He winces, glancing at the bottle with distaste. It’s one of the many bottles he was given over the years, barely touched; he’s never liked the fire in his throat, just like any other kind of alcohol, though he’s learnt how to drink certain types over the years. Back in high school, when his and Ten’s mutual friends drowned in soju, the two of them would always get some low alcohol beer and listen to others talk shit. Ten was never the one to shy away from attention. Unlike Doyoung, he’d often draw the center of it to himself. Ten sitting back along with Doyoung was, in this case, something that made Doyoung feel special.

Despite being surrounded with people closest to them, he was having Ten only to himself. He’d never been greedy to expect more than that.

Doyoung sighs and puts the empty glass in the sink. Having a drink was supposed to erase Ten from his mind, not to bring back some old memories that no longer matter. They both have changed, Doyoung knows that much, but he hasn’t really spoken to Ten for ages to make any assumptions. One thing he’s sure of, though, is that Ten must’ve fully bloomed. Leaving everything behind to start from scratch in China was enough proof he’s truly fearless.

Doyoung could never imagine putting himself into the same position, not even now. Years later, he’s still at square one.

***

Next day at work Doyoung concludes that’s probably how it feels being in hell. He’s barely awake, and the intrusive fear of passing out drags after him like a shadow. He spent the whole night tossing and turning, fruitlessly trying to quiet his mind down. He can’t fuck up his job, let alone because of the haunting heartache the memory of Ten’s message shoves at him. It’s so unlikely of Doyoung to lose his mind and sleep over some stupid crush from the past. Ten used to be his first and, so far, the only love. After Ten’s departure, Doyoung relentlessly kept degrading the value of his feelings for such a long time he almost believed they had no real effect on his life.

Deep inside, Doyoung might still love him, but he’s had enough time to put the flame down. It’s terrifying to think what would happen if the fire rekindles.

“You look dead, Doyoung,” Taeil snaps Doyoung out of his thoughts. He looks genuinely worried, despite having deep dark circles himself. “Is everything alright?”

“I couldn’t sleep. Must’ve been a full moon or something,” Doyoung dismisses, covering his mouth with his hand as he yawns shortly. “Don’t worry about it. I won’t fuck up.”

“That’s not what I’m concerned about, but I’ll let it pass,” Taeil doesn’t look convinced, but he has always respected Doyoung’s restraint from mixing work with personal matters. “Want some coffee? I was just about to get one for myself.”

“No, I’m good,” Doyoung replies. He’s already exceeded his caffeine limit for today. “Thanks though.”

“In case you need anything---”

“Yes, I know where to find you,” Doyoung cuts Taeil mid-sentence and chuckles at his co-worker's habit of always reassuring him that he’s there. “See you at lunch, I guess.”

Despite being in the same team, Doyoung and Taeil don’t really have many chances to talk about things not related to work. Even so, Taeil never fails to spot Doyoung somewhere on their floor and chat him up for a bit. It’s a nice addition to Doyoung’s mundane job, something that pulls him out of the everyday routine. Neither of them has ever come up with hanging out beside the mandatory team outings with their team leader, and Doyoung is inexplicably reluctant to make a first move. He’s not stupid, though. Taeil is a handsome, caring man, with a little odd yet captivating sense of humor. Doyoung doesn’t want to go through all of this again. Despite being able to hold himself back just fine, what if he gets in too deep?

He might not be able to protect his secret properly. People _already_ talk about his lack of love life, but if the truth came out, they would also stare with disdain. After all, work is his only love, isn’t it? He can handle a few whispers here and there; they won’t harm him the way his secret could.

***

Doyoung listens to Taeyong filling up the silence as he talks about a dinner with his girlfriend’s parents last weekend. He's deep into his thoughts instead of paying attention to the story. Taeyong seems to realize that, but he lets Doyoung gather up the courage to reveal the true reason behind their meeting tonight; apart from the fact the last time they saw each other was almost a month ago. The night's quite warm and many people came outside to enjoy the unofficial beginning of the weekend. Doyoung still has his work clothes on and he feels disgusting, but there really wasn't any time to go home and change, considering the traffic on Fridays is always particularly heavy and he had to leave his car at the parking lot.

“I just don't understand why they keep commenting on this,” Doyoung takes a sip of soju and scrunches his nose. He despises the taste, but Taeyong needs this kind of bonding over shared alcohol. “You've been with Jisoo for three years. Can’t they see you're serious about her?”

“I'm still disappointed she's told them about... this,” Taeyong replies. The food stall is full of people, all of the plastic red chairs and stools taken. “She's never let me down with anything else, but this kinda leaves a bad taste in my mouth whenever I bring it up.”

“She forced you to come out,” Doyoung feels sick whenever they talk about revealing the troublesome aspect of their sexuality. At least Taeyong finds women attractive, too. “She knew what her parents think about people like us.”

“There's no use crying over spilt milk, you know that. Sometimes it’s just...” Taeyong runs his hand through his bleached hair and shakes his head as if to push some thoughts away. “Now tell me what's bugging you. We're not here to talk about the same issue with my girlfriend all over again.”

“We can do it as many times as you need,” Doyoung takes off his leather jacket and wraps it around his shoulders instead. He can feel the alcohol rushing through his body and warming up his cheeks. Despite the dubious rush of influenced confidence, he still fidgets on the thought of bringing up the message from Ten. ”Do you remember my best friend from high school? Ten?”

“The one who went to China? It rings a bell, but you haven't mentioned him for a while,” Taeyong nods. He's the first and only person to know about Doyoung’s feelings regarding Ten. ”What's up with him?”

“He's coming back to Korea.” Doyoung says in one breath. He’s just taken the weight off his shoulders, so why does it still burden him? “He asked me to help him move. Just like that.”

“That's way too vague,” Taeyong puts the chopsticks away to the side of the plate and fully focuses on Doyoung, as if he was trying to read between the lines of Doyoung's seemingly indifferent approach. “What does he really want?

“I'm supposed to pick him up from the airport and... I don't know, help him until he settles down,” Doyoung has the message memorized word by word, considering how many times he’s read it. “It's been five days and I still haven't answered. It's a simple choice of yes or no, but...”

“But you’re scared,” Taeyong fills in. He shuffles on his stool in order to sit closer to Doyoung, so that their conversation couldn’t be overheard. “You shouldn’t pressure yourself to reply instantly, or even agree. It’s all up to you.”

“I would’ve ignored the message if it had been someone else,” Doyoung can’t bring himself to look at something other than his mostly untouched food in front of him. He trusts Taeyong enough to reveal what he truly feels, but deep down he knows he’ll never get rid of the fear of judgement. “I still miss him as my best friend, nothing more. Even though a part of me is anticipating seeing him again, I’m mostly... I’ve always felt excluded to some extent because I’m---”

“Don’t feel pressured to tell me what you feel,” Taeyong is a clingy person in general, but he usually avoids initiating any skinship with Doyoung. Right now, however, he circles his hand around Doyoung’s forearm. “We can stop now.”

“Learning how to hide my feelings about him was tough,” Doyoung admits. The memories of constantly watching his mouth and behavior around Ten had faded over time, but the feeling of guilt mixed with heartache is still vivid. “It always felt like lying to him, to our friends, but I’d never decided which crime was heavier – hiding my crush or my identity.”

“You never lied about who you were, that’s for sure,” Taeyong unconsciously tightens his grip around Doyoung’s arm, getting more tense himself. “This part of you isn’t even essential.”

“Ten had always been open about it and none of our friends minded, but... “Doyoung realizes that talking to Taeyong feels like facing his deepest fears and bringing them to light after years of purposely ignoring his lack of self-acceptance over an unchangeable matter. “I doubt I’ll ever come to terms with it.”

"It's not a personality trait. It literally doesn't matter," Taeyong says. Doyoung is well aware that the fact of him being gay is powerful enough to significantly change others' perception of him, though it doesn't affect their relations as they are. Maybe that's what he despises, not himself. "I know it sounds like bullshit when it's coming from me, but we both know what we're afraid of, and that it's not about our preference."

Doyoung hums in response. He's too exhausted to continue pondering on the topic, though he appreciates Taeyong's insight as it's been the second longest conversation they've had about their sexuality. Only Doyoung's coming out took more time. They usually don't mention it in daily talks, as the issue mostly resurfaces under unpleasant circumstances. For most of the time, Doyoung pretends the problem doesn't exist and finds a way out in working long hours. On the weekends, it's either cleaning or cooking. He organized his life in a way that doesn't allow any mistakes to slip in as the pattern is predictable to the core. Maybe if Doyoung's life worked out a bit differently, he would anticipate Ten's arrival. Instead, he feels terrified. What if Ten's presence shatters his scheme to pieces that Doyoung won't be able to pick up? Doyoung has built up his whole life from scratch around this; his job at the office and consistently putting in the effort to achieve better and higher results each quarter, all a part of unfaltering stability he’s always longed for.

Doyoung can't afford losing any of it. This is way more important than the heartache he feels every time he reminisces about the memories he and Ten made in high school, only the two of them. Nothing good ever comes out of it, except for the same questions that will always remain unanswered. What if Doyoung trusted Ten as much as Ten trusted him. What if Doyoung hadn't tried so hard to fall for the girl sitting next to Ten in class, trying to persuade himself he was looking at her, not Ten? What if he wasn't a coward when he still had a chance to do something?

What if he'd asked Ten to stay?

***

Doyoung wakes up at six, warm sunrays breaking through the blinds pulling him out of his sleep. His night was far from peaceful, so instead of going back to his nightmares, he decides to use the most of the day. After he picks up his car from the parking lot at the company, he's certainly going to find some space that needs to be cleaned or reorganized. Doyoung’s just desperately looking for some chores to do, even though he's so consistent in keeping order around himself there's not much to take care of.

Doyoung has to take his mind off the fact he'd finally replied to Ten last night on his ride home. He'd only informed Ten he agrees to help him and asked for the essential details, such as the date and time of Ten's arrival. Doyoung hopes it's the last time he had to reach out to Ten before he eventually appears at the airport, though he realizes it's all in vain. Ten will certainly start asking questions, most probably about their friends from high school. Doyoung hasn't talked to them in a while, he doesn't even know for sure what they're up to. He's never been exactly keen on keeping in touch with them after his first year in university, and the feeling turned out to be mutual. Doyoung doesn't blame them. He knows he was only bringing the negativity into their conversations after Ten, the only person who was willing to listen, had left.

A lazy, peaceful Saturday clashes with Doyoung's routine of morning rush he applies to almost every day. There's no clock ticking to remind him he has to leave in five minutes if he wants to reach the company on time. There's no cup of cold black coffee left on the kitchen counter due to the constant state of hurry Doyoung's in. He might wake up early enough, but minutes and seconds always slip between his fingers and leave him panicked. It's been a while since he had a chance to enjoy himself, although today, out of all Saturdays, he'd rather be busy. Doyoung doesn't feel like thinking through this fucked up Ten situation, and the excessive amount of free time is just bound to torment him with another batch of what ifs.

It's almost seven when Doyoung finishes preparing his breakfast and turns on the TV to watch the morning news. There's a round-up of what had happened over the week and Doyoung indifferently takes in all the bad news being reported at the beginning of the program. He's heard his co-workers talk about all of it; maybe even Taeil mentioned something, but Doyoung doesn't even bother to register half of what he hears every day.

The sound of a notification from Kakao catches him off guard. This can't be Taeyong, so the only other possibility is...

Johnny. What the actual fuck?

[Johnny added You, Jaehyun, Yuta.]

[Johnny]: guys u wont believe

[Johnny]: tens coming back to korea

You: I know. I'm actually picking him up from the airport.

[Johnny]: lmao of course he’d text u first

You: Why are you up so early? Weren't you like a night owl back in hs?

[Johnny]: early morning shifts suck u know. be happy with your white collar

Doyoung unwillingly admits he's rather curious how his high school friends' lives had worked out. He hasn't had a chance to catch up with them for a long time and he's never been particularly interested after they parted ways. At the first glance, Johnny hasn't changed a bit. Doyoung can only assume what happened to the other two. He's reluctant to inquire since he probably wouldn't know what to reply apart from 'good for you'. Doyoung's in no place to judge their choices or give them any advice. They're practically strangers now. The history they'd shared no longer affects anything.

Doyoung leaves Johnny on read and gets on to watching another round of news. He doesn't expect any new message from the newly formed group chat in another two or three hours, supposing Jaehyun and Yuta haven't changed their habits. Doyoung hadn't paid much thought to his high school friends before, but as stares at the TV, he can't help but wonder if the three of them are as equally close as they'd been the last time they met up with Doyoung. Back in high school, Jaehyun and Johnny would make playlists for each other every month with new song recommendations. They used to be so immersed in discussing their playlists to the point they'd forget there were three other people not able to get a word in edgeways. Yuta would either rant about football to Doyoung and Ten or play games on his phone while they talked about the new episode of their currently favorite show. Whatever it was, they'd always stick together no matter what. In retrospect, Doyoung assumes it's because they had one, essential thing in common - they went to the same grade, shared similar sense of humor and enjoyed spending their free time together.

It was never deeper than simply filling each other's evenings with hanging around the neighborhood.

[Jaehyun]: who is coming back and for what

It took Jaehyun three hours to reply, though Doyoung would rather he hadn't typed anything at all.

[Johnny]: dude... dont u remember that gay kid we hung out with

[Jaehyun]: shouldve said from the start you know? so when are we meeting up

[Johnny]: idk yet but doyoung will keep us updated, hes helping ten move back in

Doyoung feels dizzy as he rereads recent messages for the second, third, seventh time in a row. Back in high school, their friends had been nothing but supportive about Ten's coming out and his sexuality, often standing up for him whenever someone had tried to use it against Ten. They'd always been respectful, and it hadn't crossed Doyoung's mind they could be any different. Maybe it should've. Maybe he should've realized it earlier that not only he had changed, but so had his friends, and that said change doesn't have to be a good one. Doyoung convinces himself that 'gay kid' isn't exactly a slur, doesn't have to carry any negative connotation, but no matter how hard he tries to believe it, it just doesn't feel right. Thinking about it makes him sick.His old friends might mean no harm, but Doyoung can feel his heart beating in panic. Every day, under even the most trivial circumstances, he's reminded there's no escape from the fact he will never fully belong. No matter how much Doyoung would try, he was a lost cause from the very beginning. When, if, people find out who he is, they certainly won't go easy on him.

_15 new messages_

[Jaehyun]: earth to doyoung???

[Yuta]: we lost him

[Johnny]: nvm does anybody even know what was ten doing in china all this time

[Yuta]: studying chinese obvs

You: Yeah, he got a scholarship, and from what I know he was doing so well he was able to stay for longer

[Jaehyun]: yeah we can tell you two used to be bffs, the rich stick together right

[Johnny]: now the important question is. when are we meeting up for drinks

You: in July I guess... depends on how fast Ten settles down

[Yuta]: idk if i can survive until july but fine with me

[Jaehyun]: well doyoungs right ig he would talk to ten even after we'd stopped

You: I haven't really talked to him in a long time so... not as long as to you all though

[Johnny]: that shit hurt you know

Doyoung mutes the group chat and puts his phone away on the coffee table. There's a lot more to take in about Ten moving back to Korea than he'd initially predicted. He certainly hadn't anticipated such kind of reunion with his friends, much less expected Ten to text Johnny, out of all people. On the other hand, Ten had no reason not to let the others know he's coming back. It's not like Doyoung used to be his only friend, when in fact he was quite well-known and liked back in high school. Ten had never mentioned anyone else when they happened to actually text, still at the beginning of Ten's studies, but why would he?

Ten has a whole new life in China. He'd only bothered to text Doyoung, his best friend, twice a year, until he'd decided Doyoung can do him a favor. Doyoung despises the direction his train of thought has taken, but it leads him to a bittersweet realization. There's nothing more that connects him with Ten apart from their memories, few messages and a faltering trace of Doyoung's concealed feelings.

***

Doyoung is used to hearing Taeyong say his choice of coping mechanism is rather questionable and that he always goes for the most extreme one, though Doyoung doesn't exactly agree with it. Deep down he knows Taeyong's right, but his friend omits the bigger picture of Doyoung's life. Sure, Doyoung might be stressed out to the core due to the deadly compilation of workload and thinking about his upcoming confrontation with Ten, but so far he's managed to catch up with his job, receive a praise from his team leader and a remotely friendly call from his parents. That is, if he could even say talking to them has ever sparked any kind of positive emotion inside him. Doyoung chooses to overlook the fact that the moment he steps into his apartment, the world seems to be at the edge of crumbling. Nothing's fine, and Doyoung, too, is certainly nowhere near alright. He's entered the vicious, endless circle of working until he's close to passing out, but it's a guarantee people around will focus on the results of his work ethic instead of Doyoung himself. Except Taeil, of course, but he never fails to mark his existence into Doyoung's daily life with a quick chat. Doyoung realized it a while ago that he can't really leave his co-worker out. Taeil, just like Taeyong, would always find his way around. Doyoung considers their presence as acceptable under any circumstances. After all, they're now practically the closest people Doyoung has in his life.

Ten's plane will arrive at the airport at 9PM. Doyoung could get off work an hour or two earlier and mentally prepare himself for seeing Ten, but he opts out from it. Having more time to overthink would only bug him even more and, to be fair, he's had enough tossing and turning to analyze every single scenario that could play out in just a few hours. Doyoung considers calling Taeyong on his way to the airport, as it's going to take him a solid fifty minutes with the usual traffic, but Taeyong beats him at it and calls Doyoung as soon as he drives onto the highway.

"I know it's a stupid question, but how are you feeling?" Taeyong sounds clearly concerned. Doyoung can imagine in detail Taeyong's face scrunched with worry.

"I wish I hadn't agreed, to be honest," Doyoung replies. It's partially true. He hates himself for it, but a piece of him is thrilled. Doyoung hasn't felt this kind of ambivalent emotional mix in years and he has no idea how to tame it. "I'm so fucking scared, Taeyong. And curious. It's driving me crazy, you know? I usually avoid putting myself into this kind of situations at all costs and yet..."

"It's a bit different this time. I'd do the same thing," Taeyong's methods of comfort might not be sophisticated, but advice isn't what Doyoung needs right now. He only wants to be reassured that the choice he'd made is right. "You've undoubtedly got more handsome over the years, Doyoung. I wonder if Ten will recognize you."

"Your attempts at cheering me up are failing, Yong," contrary to his words, Doyoung chuckles and loosens up a bit. He almost forgets there's less than thirty minutes left to reach the destination. "It's hard to admit that one of the main reasons I'd agreed to pick him up is that I terribly miss him. Or, rather, miss the person he'd used to be."

"Don't say that," Taeyong responds instantly, as if his quick reaction was enough to erase Doyoung's doubts. "I'm sure you'll get along just fine, maybe even better than you did in high school."

"I'm even more sick of myself now than I used to be back then," Doyoung spits out. He wishes they weren't just having this conversation when he's behind the wheel, on his way to pick Ten up from the airport, dizzy and petrified. "How is that going to work to my advantage?"

"I'm sorry for bringing it up," Taeyong backs off with a quiet, apologetic voice. Doyoung couldn't be mad at him, because he's not the person that should be blamed. "I'll get going, okay? Text or call me whenever you need."

"Thanks, really," Doyoung puts up a strained smile. He forgets Taeyong can't see him and there's no one to pretend for, except his own reflection in a rearview mirror. "I'll keep you updated. Talk to you later."

Doyoung secretly hopes for trouble finding a spot to park his car. Unfortunately, he notices one right away, almost in front of the entrance to the arrivals hall. He's almost in despair, looking for things that could take his mind off the fact he's about to see Ten in less than half an hour. Ten's plane has most probably just landed, and Doyoung stares ahead with his hands tightly clutching the steering wheel. He doesn't want to do this, to let Ten into his life once again, not after he'd finally sorted it out to some extent. Not when he'd stifled the feelings for Ten long enough to believe they're gone, to fool himself falling for a man was just a one time thing.

Doyoung knows the life he's living is partially based on a lie. Taeyong is the only person that's ever known he just doesn't fit in, and Doyoung's terrified of Ten breaking down the wall he's built around himself.

After walking into the hall, Doyoung looks for the arrivals timetable and spots Ten's flight under _landed_ section. He doesn't remember the last time his heart was beating so fast and he has to sit down for a moment to calm himself down. He counts to almost fifty, but his efforts are all in vain as his head is still spinning. It feels surreal, and Doyoung isn't sure all of this isn't just a long nightmare, from the moment Ten asked Doyoung to pick him up until now; now that he's finally here, waiting with his heart pounding so violently it might crush his ribcage.

People that have already picked up their luggage start to come out of customs border and Doyoung's torn between trying to spot Ten or staring at his phone and waiting for Ten to walk up to him first. He opts for the former. He no longer can avoid facing the consequences of his own decisions. After all, he could've said no. It's about time Doyoung confronted his romanticized image of Ten, made of high school memories and blind desire, with the real person that Ten is.

Doyoung spots him almost immediately. Ten looks almost like his high school self, except a little bit more mature. His sense of fashion is way better, too. Ten's passport falls out of the pocket of his unzipped leather jacket and he blocks the way as he picks it up. Seventeen year old Ten wouldn't have even noticed he'd lost something. Doyoung chuckles, absentmindedly staring at his best friend's struggles with two big suitcases and a bag. Doyoung considers walking up to him, but he's frozen on the spot. He can't believe it's really happening, and the realization catches him off guard with its forceful stroke. There's no time for Doyoung to recover as Ten recognizes him and picks up his speed, almost tripping over his suitcases. Ten's smiling widely and he looks so happy Doyoung finds it hard to believe it's all because of him, not when they haven't properly talked in years. Doyoung stares dumbly at Ten with a tight smile, let it fucking go chanting in his head. He isn't supposed to look as if someone was just pointing a gun at his head.

Doyoung knew he'd want to run away, but he certainly hadn't expected the urge to be this overwhelming.

"Doyoungie, holy shit," Ten exclaims, dropping his bags to the ground as he envelopes Doyoung in a tight hug. Doyoung wraps his arms around Ten's back, just enough to let Ten feel the touch is there, lingering over the latter's jacket. "If I'd known you'd get this handsome, I wouldn't have left you all by yourself."

"Nice to see you too, Ten," Doyoung laughs, wriggling out of the embrace. Ten is glowing, the sparkle in his eyes that captured Doyoung's heart years ago as evident as ever. As if it was mocking him. "How was your flight?"

"Exceptionally eventful. I fell asleep almost immediately after the plane took off," Ten shakes his head so as to prevent loose strands of hair from blocking his view. "Let's get going?"

"You must be the only one with a luggage that big," Doyoung teases. It almost feels as if they'd never parted ways, even with the way Doyoung's heart starts pounding as he steals a glance of Ten's profile.

It hasn't even taken five minutes for Doyoung to feel the pang of guilt he thought he'd buried deep down a long time ago. His efforts have never turned out to be more futile.

Ten settles himself in the front seat of the car as Doyoung arranges Ten's luggage in the trunk. Doing so, he spends a few more seconds than necessary on putting the second suitcase perfectly adjacent to the other. He slams the trunk shut and heaves a deep sigh. Ten can't hear him, can't see him, but Doyoung is only allowed to relish the fact for a few seconds before he has to close himself with Ten within a space too small to his liking. Doyoung has always made sure to have a way out, but for the next half an hour, he's trapped. The traffic is almost non-existent at this hour.

"I thought you would've put the address of your hotel in the navigation by now," Doyoung says as he plops onto the driver's seat.

"Well, about that," Ten lets out an awkward chuckle, scratching the back of his neck. Doyoung shouldn't look at him, shouldn't focus on the short hair sticking out of Ten's nape. "I kinda thought I'd already paid for my reservation, but I called the reception today to confirm everything is settled and... I forgot to make the payment, basically. So I, kinda, don't really have a place to stay."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me," Doyoung doesn't dare to look at Ten, even though he feels the other's gaze piercing right through him. He tightly clutches the steering wheel with both hands, his knuckles going white. It's not really a big deal, is it? It happens when you're moving back to another country, Doyoung knows all of this, and yet... "What's your plan, then?"

"That's the part when you kindly offer me a couch to stay for just one night," Ten prompts, and Doyoung's stomach fills with acid as the idea slowly plants itself in his mind. "I'm picking the keys to my new apartment tomorrow, so I promise I won't bother you for long."

"Fine," Doyoung sighs and turns on the radio. Music is usually the last thing he needs while driving, but he can't stand the thought of being alone with Ten in silence.

Doyoung turns the volume up to the point they would have to scream over the music to hear each other. Ten seems to understand Doyoung's intentions and rests his head against the window with eyes wide open, as if he could see something more than blurry shapes in the dark of the night. Doyoung steals a few glances at Ten's profile, barely visible in the car, except for when the street lamps flash a light on his face, especially his pointy nose Doyoung had always loved to poke. He can't believe they used to be this close, not when it feels as if a stranger was sitting on the passenger seat next to him, not his high school best friend; not the closest friend he's ever had. It's a complete stranger that happens to know a lot about Doyoung's past, that's it. That's all they have, and they don't know what to do with it. It's been too long to slip into their old routine comfortably and skip the awkwardness that presses into their shoulders.

"Hey, Doyoung," Ten reaches out to the radio and lowers the volume so that his voice is the only sound trembling in Doyoung's head. "Can you stop at the nearest gas station? I need a coffee, like, this instant. Forgot to tell you at the airport, sorry.”

"Can't you just drink some once we're at my place?" Doyoung is now convinced it's a test for his patience, everything that Ten does, each question that leaves his pretty mouth and ruins Doyoung's perfectly organized scheme how to handle The Ten Situation. "I have work tomorrow, you know."

"Your car, your rules," Ten shrugs and lowers the passenger seat so that he's almost in the lying position. "I'm going to take a nap then. Wake me up when we arrive. Or not, whatever."

Ten thinks he's smart, but Doyoung knows better. Both of them try to avoid each other, walk around the tension hovering over them. Doyoung knows all of this is his fault and he has his insecurities to blame for influencing his actions so much he can't even hold a normal conversation with his friend. Ten is his _best friend_ first; not a crush, not a first love, let alone not a reason Doyoung had chosen to devote himself to work. Doyoung has completely forgotten about it, somewhere in the middle of trying to put himself together and shove his awakened fears aside. Not once did he take Ten's feelings into consideration, too focused on his own turmoil.

Not everything is about him. Actually, nothing really is.

Ten's doing a pretty shitty job at pretending he's asleep and Doyoung's grateful for that when it's time to wake him up. Doyoung pokes Ten's shoulder and stirs him 'awake', Ten's eyes opening a little too quickly. If they get comfortable enough, Doyoung might tease Ten about it. Doyoung isn't planning on putting his guard down, so they probably won't. He feels like a deer caught in the headlights and, to be fair, it's up to Ten to decide whether he'll spare Doyoung's life or run him over.

They take Ten's suitcases up to Doyoung's apartment in silence, taking the longest elevator ride in their lives. Doyoung quickly opens the door and turns on the light, Ten trailing behind him. Doyoung feels Ten's gaze on his back, gritting his teeth and preparing for the moment when he has to turn around and face Ten. He's somehow self-conscious about letting Ten into his private space. Such thought hasn't occurred to him before, just like the possibility of Ten forgetting to pay for the hotel. Ten's always been a little too distracted and Doyoung would often remind him of tests or assignments due, but high school's long over. A certain amount of responsibility is kind of expected from someone Ten's age, isn't it?

"Nice place," are the first words Ten says in few minutes, looking around the living room. "The couch looks comfortable, the night's gonna be great."

"How do you know I don't have a guest room?" Doyoung chuckles, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed. He almost catches the mischievous glint in Ten's eyes before it disappears.

"I know you," Ten replies with unwavering confidence. He's always thought he can read Doyoung like an open book. "You'd be the worst host ever."

"And yet you're here."

"I'm kinda desperate, you see."

It almost feels as if they're years younger, still in high school, bickering about all kinds of stuff. Except it's not, and Doyoung gets reminded of it as soon as the conversation dies and an awkward silence envelops them both. He chooses to disappear into the kitchen and pour himself some whisky to calm his nerves, or rather pretend the alcohol's working. He needs to be alone, even for a few seconds, and come around everything that’s happening in his very own apartment. It wasn't supposed to be like this, this isn't what he'd agreed to. Doyoung should've expected Ten to pull some unexpected shit for him to deal with. It'd never really bothered him in high school, but as the seconds pass, he gets more and more annoyed.

"Drinking without me? What a shame," Ten teases, sitting on Doyoung's kitchen counter without even asking. "We should catch up, don't you think? Make me a coffee and we're _sooo_ gonna talk."

"I can make you a coffee, sure. No catching up though, I should be sleeping right now," Doyoung looks at the clock at the wall. It's not even that late, he usually replies to the last few emails at this time. "I can't be late to work and besides, I have a monthly outing with my team tomorrow. We can always talk once you've settled in here."

"Kun said you'd shower me with questions and here I am, thirsty for attention," Ten remains merciless, covering his disappointment with a seemingly light joke that stings just where Ten wants it to. Doyoung doesn't even dare to look at him.

"Who's Kun?' Doyoung asks. He should've kept his mouth shut, but his ugly side has suddenly taken over. He's not supposed to feel jealous, not in this way.

"I think I heard something about not catching up, huh?" Ten laughs and jumps off the counter. "Show me where the bathroom is and you know, stuff. Also give me the spare key, I need to leave before 2pm."

"Sure. Follow me, okay?"

Ten nods and follows Doyoung out of the kitchen. Doyoung finds it hard to act freely in his own home with Ten trailing behind him and he's well aware it shows, but there's nothing more he can do than quickly show Ten around and provide the rest of the necessities. As Ten disappears in the bathroom with his own things and Doyoung's spare towels, Doyoung finally heaves a sigh. He's making a big deal out of something trivial, something that should make him happy; his best friend is here, and they could have a whole night to catch up, but it's just not what Doyoung would do. He'd rather talk to Ten somewhere in public, a place where Ten probably wouldn't dare asking too private questions.

Doyoung places Ten's coffee at the table in the living room, right next to the spare key. He briefly remembers how Ten would take his coffee back in high school and he hopes his friend's habits haven't changed much. Now all that's left for tonight is a goodnight.

"Thanks for the coffee," Ten's voice pulls Doyoung out of his world, making Doyoung jump. "Oh, did someone get scared?"

"Shut up," Doyoung mumbles, but he can't help cracking a smile and resting his gaze a little too long on Ten's wet hair, droplets of water running down his face and neck. "Make yourself at home in the morning. I'll probably leave before you even wake up."

"Don't you want to eat breakfast together? I can even prepare something for you, so that, you know," Ten sits down on the couch and looks Doyoung straight in the eye, as if trying to predict Doyoung's next move. "So I can make it all up for you."

"It's nothing, really. There's no need for you to wake up so early," Doyoung breaks their eye contact and turns around, walking up to the windows so as to close the blinds. Ten's gaze on his back is almost burning. "I have a long day ahead of me, I told you. Lots of drinking in the evening involved, too, as our team leader certainly can hold his liquor."

"Ditch your coworkers and go out with me," Ten teases lightly, as if his life depended on him using every occasion to make Doyoung uncomfortable. "Just kidding, no need to be so tense."

"You're really trying to chat me up," Doyoung chuckles as the confirmation to his words comes in the form of Ten winking. "Not tonight. Good night, Ten."

"Night," Ten says shortly before taking a sip of his coffee. "Thanks for letting me sleep over. Really."

Doyoung once again assures Ten there's nothing to thank him for and disappears into his bedroom. He closes the door and, leaning against it, lets out a heavy sigh he's been holding in for a solid ten minutes. He thinks about the unanswered emails left in his mailbox, the very ones he was supposed to reply to once he's dropped Ten off at his hotel. He's in no mind to get any work done tonight as his mind is in utter chaos and overwhelming confusion. For now, Doyoung's sure of only one thing, and it's the fact that Ten's reappearance in his life is going to mess things up.

It already has, to some extent, though the damage is going to be much bigger, and it makes Doyoung doubt his own strength to overcome the upcoming storm.

***

Doyoung is in the middle of his third cup of coffee in a row when a flood of texts from Ten distracts him from his duties. Doyoung watches as the words appear on the screen one by one, as if Ten couldn't send him a whole message just like any other person would. He doesn't really know how to respond to the question of when Ten can give him the spare key back, as he wasn't planning on meeting Ten anytime soon, so he only tells Ten not to worry about it. It's so unlikely of Doyoung, to push any unresolved issues for later, but he needs space. He needs some time to figure out what exactly Ten wants from him and how to act around him, so that he can erase the awkward atmosphere that assisted them the day before. Doyoung has only himself to blame for the tension between them; Ten acted the same way he would've years ago, so it must've been Doyoung's fault things got weird.

He's probably projecting his own fucked-up traits on Ten, for the lack of a better way to solve the problem Ten's not even aware of.

"It's almost lunch time," Taeil sits on the edge of Doyoung's desk, chuckling at the startled tiny sound coming from Doyoung upon his sudden appearance. "Wanna grab it with me?"

"Sure," Doyoung stands up a bit too quickly and his head spins, so he quickly leans against his chair in order to regain his balance. "I had a shitty night, fuck. I just wanna collapse on the floor."

"Eating something will do you some good, come on," Taeil stands up and pats Doyoung on the shoulder. "It must've been a rough week for you."

The way to the canteen from their floor is relatively short. Doyoung takes the same food as Taeil, mindlessly following his friend's choices. He doesn't really eat much at work, but today him copying Taeil's taste leads to him getting a whole, proper lunch, probably for the first time since he's joined the company.

"So, tell me," As Taeil stuffs his mouth with noodles, bits of the sauce make the corners of his mouth dirty. Doyoung doesn't dare to tell him about it, not yet. "Are you as excited to go out with our group tonight as I am?"

"Obviously," Doyoung sighs, aggressively poking his food with chopsticks. It's inappropriate, but he couldn't care less. "Most of the time I don't really mind drinking with our team, but as you've noticed, my life has been... I don't know. It's taken a fucked up turn recently and I haven't quite figured out how to deal with it."

Taeil stops eating his noodles in the middle, pointing at Doyoung with chopsticks. "Something really must be up if you're voluntarily confiding in me."

"That's like a bare minimum confiding," Doyoung chuckles and resumes eating. Everything's so easy with Taeil. He doesn't put any kind of pressure on Doyoung and Doyoung's grateful for it, slowly accepting the possibility of learning to trust Taeil on a deeper level. "Anyways, back to practical stuff. I'd forgotten about our gathering and driven a car in the morning. Now I can only pick it up tomorrow morning, that's so..."

"Isn't it a worry for the 1am you, though?" Taeil teases, smiling shortly as he's almost finished eating. "Let's go, should we? You haven't eaten much, though."

"It's whatever, honestly," Doyoung stands up and glances at his almost untouched food for the last time. "Well, I guess I’ll just leech off Minseok for the food later.“

Taeil laughs as if Doyoung has just said the funniest joke Taeil’s ever heard in his life, but Doyoung finds it oddly fulfilling. Taeil’s presence isn’t actually a burden when it’s just the two of them, unlike what he’s expected it to. Until now, their longest conversations were always held during the staff meetings or the usual team outings everyone’s supposed to go to, and it’d never been just the two of them that were able to talk. Doyoung has this weird sense of trust in Taeil, the unusual assurance Taeil won’t let Doyoung’s secrets to the world. It’s dangerous and unreasonable to trust Taeil like that, but Doyoung seeks stability. Taeil looks like the type who could give him exactly that.

The remaining hours behind the desk pass by quickly, and Doyoung finds himself in the barbecue place with his coworkers before he’s fully able to take it in. Their team leader, Minseok, is paying for the food and drinks tonight, and most of his colleagues plan to take advantage of it. As usual, Doyoung’s sitting in between Taeil and Jungwoo. The two are getting along surprisingly well, but Doyoung hasn’t really taken any initiative to get closer to the younger out of the two. He’s not the type to make first steps, not like that. This kind of outings being mandatory is enough for Doyoung to deal with.

[Yuta added Tennie.]

Doyoung has his phone on the table, next to his share of soju, and the notification that’s just popped up makes him grab the device and check the forgotten group chat.

[Tennie]: guys finally!!!!

[Johnny]: have you settled down yet???

[Tennie]: sis ive moved in like TODAY

[Yuta]: whens our drinking tho

[Jaehyun]: next week?? I can manage to switch shifts ig

[Tennie]: perfect for me but wbu guys

[Johnny]: aight

[Yuta]: good for me

[Tennie]: doyooungieeee pls dont ignore me i still have your key!!!

[Yuta]: uhhhh????? well thats…

[Doyoung]: that’s nothing, yuta. next saturday is fine with me.

[Tennie]: our doyoungie here wasnt really talkative last night so i hope you guys will make him SPILL

[Yuta]: you were together last night oof

[Tennie]: nothing happened bc doyoungie’s a busy man, this is sad i know

You: I’m with my coworkers, so I can’t really text. Talk to you next week.

Doyoung mutes the group chat and takes a long sip of soju, thanking his outburst went unnoticed due to Jungwoo and Taeil holding a very intense conversation. For some reason, Ten teasing him like that in their group chat is making him fume. His words are meant to be a harmless joke, but being made fun of in front of people who are now basically strangers to Doyoung feels humiliating. They no longer know each other like the back of their hands; they’re only bound with memories they made in the past, nothing else, as long as it concerns Doyoung. There’s been no common ground for them for years. Years. That’s exactly what Ten’s missed; years of the lives of his old high school friends, and his own attitude led him to the position he’s in now. He has no fucking clue how their lives are like, much less Doyoung’s life, who’s still supposedly Ten’s best friend. Doyoung realizes Ten’s attitude throughout the years proved him to be only focused on himself and his own goals, which he can’t really blame Ten for. He hadn’t left to China to start from scratch and keep his past alive at the same time, but he can’t expect things to be as they used to before he left everything behind.

Ten just can’t demand any commitment or compassion from Doyoung. Everyone has their own lives now, including Doyoung and his routine. Ten’s just like a hurricane. He expects Doyoung to greet him into his life with open arms, but what is he really bringing along?

“Doyoung, are you okay?” Taeil asks and leans towards Doyoung, his cheeks reddened from the alcohol. Doyoung fights with himself not to admit it looks adorable. “You seem… out of it, kinda.”

”I’m fine, it's just…,” Doyoung takes his phone into his hand, pointing it slightly towards Taeil, indirectly pointing at the reason of him spacing out. “My high school friends are planning a reunion. The whole thing is messy. They are.”

“I'm sure the meeting will be worth the stress,” Taeil says, nodding to himself as if he wanted to put more impact and conviction into his words. “It's always refreshing to see how everyone's lives have turned out. Makes you reevaluate your own achievements and see yourself in a new light.”

“That's not what I need, you know,” Doyoung sighs. It feels as if everyone went silent only to eavesdrop on Doyoung potentially sharing out his weakness, but it's just Jungwoo listening intently. If it were only him and Taeil talking, Doyoung probably would open up a bit more. ”I've had enough of self reflecting these past weeks.”

“Good thing team outings are for drinking, isn't it?” Taeil would have to be completely oblivious not to notice how restrained Doyoung has become due to the topic at hand. He sends a quick glance at Jungwoo and places his gaze back on Doyoungs tight smile. “I think we're finally getting through."

"There's still the second round,' Doyoung kills Taeil's hope on the spot. "Which I think is about to start soon. We're leaving."

Doyoung's never been the noraebang enthusiast, but he's learnt how to deal with his drunk colleagues constantly telling him he should sing more than just one song. They always comment on his short lived performance with the same words, that his voice is so good he should be taking over the charts with heartfelt ballads instead of wasting his talent in the office. Doyoung doesn't find singing particularly fun, it's just a part of his job once in a while, just like the team outings that should be supposed to be a stress reliever, and yet - it's still his job, but simply another field he has to excel in.

Doyoung in his sober state would find the room too loud, let alone in his current condition, tipsy and tired. He got so little sleep the night before he feels like he's in someone else's body and it's some kind of system giving him commands how to act. He's already sung that one song he always chooses for the second round, which means his duty is almost over. All that's left is enduring the rest of the night while pretending to be at least mildly engaged in what's going on, occasionally cheering in just the right moment when someone more influential than him is performing.

"I'm going out for a cig," Taeil nudges him and pulls him out of the trance. "Want to come with me?"

"Why not," Doyoung stands up a bit too quickly and he has to grab Taeil's shoulder for support. "Sorry."

Once they get outside, Doyoung takes a deep breath, taking in the relatively fresh air on the street, at least compared to the stuffy atmosphere inside the karaoke room.

"You want one?" Taeil points the packs with a few last cigarettes towards Doyoung, but the latter shakes his head. "I thought so. I know you don't smoke, neither do I. It's only when I'm tipsy, you know."

"You don't need to explain yourself to me," Doyoung says. He finds Taeil smoking rather indifferent, although a bit out of character. He doesn’t really have any strong opinions about the matter; everybody does that. "Your company is nice. I'd rather have it be just us hanging out."

Doyoung clenches his teeth once he realizes he'd said a few words too many, but the damage is done.

"I was actually wondering if you'd like to keep getting lunch together," Taeil doesn't even flinch, blowing out yet another circle made out of the smoke. "Jungwoo would also join us from time to time, if you don't mind."

"He's fine," Doyoung lies. The mention of Jungwoo only brings back the image of him at the dinner earlier, absorbing all the details from the conversation regarding Doyoung's private life. "Maybe I shouldn't skip any more lunches.”

"Not with company like me," Taeil drops the cigarette butt at the sidewalk, putting the flame down as he stomps at it. "Let's get back inside."

Doyoung reaches home three hours later. His teammates sans Taeil and Jungwoo were particularly enthusiastic about singing that night, and so the second round dragged for at least an hour more than usual. Taeil insisted they took a cab together, but Doyoung refused. As much as he'd come to like Taeil, anyone's presence wasn't welcome. Not when Doyoung had been up for nearly a day. He barely succeeds at not falling asleep under the shower, and yet, once he goes to bed, he's wide awake. He stares at the ceiling, trying to push Ten out of his mind. Ten had messaged him earlier, but Doyoung quickly swiped the notification away, too exhausted to deal with Ten after what he'd said at the group chat. Ten used to be a quite sensible person, at least that's what Doyoung recalls from their high school days. During the whole getting over Ten process, he'd tried to bury the details he'd be the only one to notice deep in his memory. He'd managed to fool himself they would be difficult to dig out, but it only takes a few hours in Ten's presence to recall everything he'd worked hard to put aside.

He doesn't just get back the memories and Ten's antics he'd once known like the back of his hand, but the uneasiness he'd felt years ago stings in the same manner, too. Why would Ten provide the perfect gossip material to their old friends without even explaining why he'd ended up at Doyoung's apartment in the first place? What is Ten trying to get by putting Doyoung in an uncomfortable position? Or maybe it's just Doyoung projecting, yet again, his own worries on Ten's behavior?

Doyoung's way too tired for this. There's a bunch of emails he has to reply on the weekend, his car he has to fetch from the company parking, and a whole apartment to scrub so as to relieve the stress from the previous week. There's no room, absolutely no place for Ten in Doyoung's life, not in the way it looks now. But Doyoung's sure Ten will find his way around, sooner or later, and it scares him.

Because he knows he won't be able to resist.

***

There's nothing much going on with the group chat for the next few days, but the one to break the heavenly silence is no other than Ten. Doyoung's in the middle of listening to Taeil complaining about his landlord when his phone lights up, and the hs squad gets notified about the place Ten has chosen for their reunion on Saturday. Doyoung knows this place, it's one of the top places for university students to hang out, known for its fancy drinks. Definitely a spot Ten would love to go years ago, but the lack of ID was obviously an insuperable issue.

"Earth to Doyoung," Taeil slightly raises his voice. He's not even a bit mad for Doyoung spacing out, just amused. "Did I bore you?"

"No, I've been listening," Doyoung shakes his head and sighs, blocking his phone and basically smacking it against the table. "It's just my friends I'd told you about last time. Sorry. Anyway, you were saying... You live alone, right?”

"Yeah, it's a small studio, nothing fancy," Taeil seemingly has no filter when sharing personal information with Doyoung, as Doyoung has never heard him discuss his living conditions with anyone before. It's flattering, and it makes Doyoung want to open up a bit more than he usually would. "There's not much space a single man needs, after all."

"Not to brag, but my apartment is quite spacious," Doyoung laughs. He's almost forgotten about the fact that the upcoming reunion is plainly nauseating, but it lingers in his mouth every time he tries to take a bite of his lunch. "But wait a second. You're single?"

Taeil's eyes spark with curiosity. "Why is it so surprising?"

"You're way too kind and handsome to be single."

Doyoung can't believe he's just said that and hasn't choked on his own words. That's not something he'd say to anyone, let alone to a man, even though most people wouldn't interpret it the way Doyoung dreads. What even makes Doyoung so sure Taeil isn't that one person that could take it the wrong way?

"Love won't pay my bills and allow me to save up, so for the time being..." Taeil shrugs. He's as indifferent about relationships as Doyoung is, which is something Doyoung wouldn't expect from him. Taeil looks like the type to have his wedding planned out since at least high school. "Your phone keeps buzzing, don't you want to check what's up?"

"No," Doyoung denies curtly. "Sorry. It's a... sensitive topic. Let's get back to work, it's time."

Doyoung purposely ignores the group chat until he's home, a bit later than usual, as there was an accident on the road he always takes and the traffic got even more intense. He'd be irritated by such minor inconvenience on the normal, but today he's oddly calm, as if his stomach wasn't twisted with anxiety about the reunion. What seemed distant and unreachable, is now just around the corner, and even though Doyoung knows he can back off and cut the ties off with everyone, he can't bring himself to even consider doing so. He'd probably find some excuse if it was only about his other three friends, but since Ten is involved, his perspective is utterly different. He was mistaken, thinking he's his own person now, when in reality - once Ten came back into the picture - Doyoung blindly follows Ten's wishes. He could've refused to pick him up from the airport, could've dropped him at a random hotel and wait until he checks in, could've stated he wants nothing to do with his past friends. And yet, Doyoung gives Ten everything he expects from him, as if Doyoung was still a teenager, not an adult who believes he can decide for himself.

Maybe it's a good time to text Taeyong, Doyoung thinks, as he finishes catching up with the spammed group chat. His head's spinning, despite Doyoung's futile efforts to stop feeling dizzy. He's well aware it's all overreacting from his part, but scolding himself won't make any difference, so he decides to reply to his friend's texts from the day before and pour his heart out. He no longer feels humiliated by confiding in Taeyong, even though it'd been quite an issue for the first two years they'd known each other.

Doyoung struggles to be honest with himself, let alone with other people, always doing what he thinks is right, no matter what his heart says and what Taeyong had taught him. There's no place for emotional takeovers when there's so much at stake, not when you're someone like Doyoung, not when you can lose everything with just one secret out.

Every time Doyoung looks at himself in the mirror, he gets reminded of who he really is and how can it turn his whole life upside down. So why, despite knowing the consequences, does the way Doyoung's handling the situation with Ten go against everything he's ever stood by?

***

"Your timing is immaculate, as always," Doyoung greets Taeyong as he picks up the phone in the middle of styling his hair. "Why are you calling? It's not like I don't wanna talk to you, but..."

"I know. You texted me a few days ago and it's only now that I can reply, so I figured I'd call," Taeyong replies, his voice accompanied by the sounds of the busy street. "So, today's the day?

"Yeah," Doyoung sighs. He barely got any sleep last night, and even the thorough bathroom cleaning didn't do much to put his mind into an ease. "I don't want to meet them. There's just no point, and yet everyone in the group chat is bursting with excitement."

"Including you," Taeyong teases. He's the only person to know how to handle a stressed out Doyoung. "Sorry I couldn't have called earlier, but I figured you wouldn't be busy at this time. Your texts were… worrying, you know? But before you apologize, just remember I won't stop trying to knock into your head that it's completely fine to rely on me."

Doyoung isn't a particularly effusive person, but Taeyong kind of taught Doyoung how to express his feelings and seek for help if he needs it. It was hard at first, to accept the fact he'll just never be self-sufficient, but Taeyong tried to make the experience the least painful as possible. Doyoung will always be grateful Taeyong had stuck with him through thick and thin, even if Doyoung had hurt the latter many times during the process.

"I don't need a lecture on trust right now, please," Doyoung sighs with resignation, giving up on the mess his hair is today. He'd rather look far from decent on a work day, not an evening where his old friends will reevaluate him. "Just assure me Ten won't drive me crazy and I'll be fine."

"You know it all depends on you," Taeyong replies. If only he could refrain from analyzing Doyoung's situation and cheer him up with some nonsense. "It's up to you to set the boundaries, and if he sees there aren't any, he'll do with you what he wants. He still thinks you're eighteen, Doyoung, and that you'll go with whatever he does."

"I hate you," Doyoung groans. It hits different to hear the truth from someone uninvolved in a certain situation, let alone if that person genuinely cares. That's certainly not what Doyoung's used to. "Keep your fingers crossed so that I don't murder any of them."

Taeyong chuckles. "Will do. It's going to be okay. Don't think too much into it. Maybe it's just Ten that's..."

"Maybe you're right," Doyoung cuts Taeyong off mid sentence. It's rude, but he can't bear to dwell on the topic anymore, not when the time's running out rapidly. "I'll keep you updated, but I need to go. Thanks for calling me, Tae."

"Anytime. Have fun."

"I will," Doyoung says to himself, a while after he ends the call. He keeps repeating the sentence all the way to the bar, clutching the steering wheel as if his life depended on it and turning the radio on and off, irritated by both silence and noise. They were supposed to meet at eight, but Doyoung arrives fifteen minutes after the scheduled time. He hadn't planned getting stuck in the traffic, the third time this week, but this time it works out in his favor. His friends have probably got comfortable with each other by now, so he only has to blend in and sit through the evening, pretending to share the excitement with, say, Ten or even Yuta.

Doyoung enters the bar and takes a look at the interior once he closes the glass doors. Almost all of the tables are taken, but it doesn't take long for Doyoung to spot the people he's looking for. They're sitting at the table near the bar, almost all of them with a halfway finished beer, except Ten, who's swirling some colorful drink with a plastic straw. Judging by how the place's decorated, Ten's drink must've been heavily overpriced. Doyoung shouldn't stare at Ten or even judge him in any way, but he's glued to the spot for a few seconds as he takes in how Ten looks that night. The first thing Doyoung notices are his piercings; he didn't have any a week ago when he arrived, but Doyoung won't ask about them. No matter how much he wants to, he won't ask, won't comment on Ten's appearance, even though he finds it difficult to stop himself from appreciating Ten's smudged eyeliner and subtly highlighted cheekbones.

Doyoung snaps out of it after a moment, afraid his friends will spot him first and catch him acting rather suspiciously, and so he finds his way between the crowds and sits at the last free seat, left out especially for him.

"Doyoung!" Johnny exclaims, reaching across the table to half hug Doyoung. "Man, it's been what, ten years?"

"Not that many," Doyoung laughs quietly, exchanging quick 'heys' with Jaehyun and Yuta, but not Ten. Ten sits quietly, watching Doyoung closely. "Who is this beer for?"

"You, obviously," Yuta replies cheerfully, pushing the mug closer to Doyoung. "We ordered for everyone before you arrived. It's rude to be late like that, Doyoungie."

"Sorry, got stuck in traffic," Doyoung explains, trying to sound as apologetic as he can. "Which, by the way, reminds me I forgot we're drinking tonight and drove my car, so... No drinking for me tonight, sorry."

Doyoung had driven his car on purpose. At least the excuse is reasonable enough for his friends not to keep persuading him to get smashed with them. He wants to end the night as quickly as possible.

"You really know how to ruin the mood, Doyoung," Ten rolls his eyes, but he doesn't carry on with the topic and immediately switches the tone of his voice to pure enthusiasm once he decides to continue. "So, Jaehyun, you were asking why I came back, right?"

Jaehyun nods. "Basically."

"I'm going to get something to drink."

Doyoung stands up abruptly, the chair's legs screeching against the floor, and everyone's eyes are at him for a brief moment before they get back to talking among themselves. All of this feels unreal, and Doyoung starts to wonder whether all of this isn't just a prolonged nightmare from the night before.

"...so, like, I basically bought the return ticket to Korea on a whim, because what else would hold me down in Beijing if not Kun?" Ten ends his dramatic monologue by finishing his drink in one go. "We haven't talked since we broke up, but that's fine, I guess."

"That sucks," Johnny sums up simply, though he doesn't even sound a bit sorry. "And what was our Doyoungie doing all these years? Living that luxury life, I see."

"Why?" Doyoung frowns at Johnny, all his muscles tensed up. He had expected a lot from this reunion, but not the constant feeling of being under fire. "It's just a boring nine to five job, except I usually go home few minutes after six."

"Your watch," Yuta prompts. Doyoung sits in between him and Ten, so it's easy for Yuta to grab Doyoung's left wrist and examine his watch in detail. "I'd have to save up my whole salary for at least a year in order to afford this."

"It was a birthday gift from me to me," Doyoung explains defensively, quickly snatching his wrist away from Yuta and resting his left hand on his knee under the table. "It's not like I'm a high class."

"You must've worked hard in university," Ten speaks up, staring at Doyoung with curiosity. "Jaehyun told me you guys haven't talked since the middle of the first year. Getting a degree comes with a lot of sacrifices, doesn't it?"

"You would know, Ten," Doyoung answers casually, but trying to act unbothered when everyone's basically ganging up on him for nothing makes him feel caged. "Have you settled down in your new apartment?"

"I actually think I'll be moving out soon," Ten shrugs. "It's smaller than I thought. Anyways, Jaehyun, would you get us another round?"

Jaehyun obliges without a word and disappears, and the conversation between the four of them somehow drags on, with mostly Johnny or Yuta asking Ten some questions about his life in Beijing or how he's planning to settle down back in Seoul. They don't actually manage to draw much information from Ten, as Jaehyun quickly returns with their alcohol and even another bottle of sprite for Doyoung. Maybe Doyoung's overreacting again, maybe no one's trying to hunt him. Maybe it's just how his friends are now.

Maybe it hasn't been ten years, but extremely close to it, and Doyoung can't be the only one that’s changed. He sometimes forgets people he hadn't minded that much throughout the years are still here. They might have disappeared from Doyoung's conscience, but they're still very much alive.

Sitting here, in the bar with his friends, feels just like meeting the ghosts of the past.

"Old habits die hard, and our Doyoungie is still spacing out at random," Ten nudges Doyoung with his elbow, his mood clearly lifted up after the second drink. "Which reminds me that I still haven't given you back the spare key to your apartment."

"Which reminds me none of you cared to reveal how exactly Ten had ended up owning Doyoung's spare key," Yuta says, head propped on his hand, attentively eyeing both Ten and Doyoung from behind his overgrown bangs. "Johnny suggested you got drunk and ended up at Doyoung's, but it's not something our Doyoungie would ever do, so..."

"I forgot to pay for my reservation at the hotel and they cancelled it, so I asked Doyoung if I could stay the night," Ten begins the story and before he continues, he suddenly slaps Doyoung's shoulder, startling him. "Right, Doyoungie? Thanks for that. Not only did he pick me up from the airport, but also showed me some mercy. I tried to get him to catch up with me for the rest of the night, since, you know, I was staying at his place anyway, but what wouldn't a man do in order to be able to afford such a nice watch? So we went to sleep and Doyoung left at some ungodly hour in the morning because work, obviously."

"I would've taken a day off if you'd told me about the reservation earlier," Doyoung rarely feels the need to defend himself, but it's evident Ten has an upper hand in the situation and Doyoung doesn't even know why he feels so overwhelmed, scared of what Ten will say next. "I had a team outing the next evening, and you should be aware how big of a deal it is."

"Come on, you have these every month," Ten shrugs, and the dismissive tone of his voice riles Doyoung up, but he stays quiet. He promised himself he wouldn't let himself show he's been caught off guard or bothered by anything Ten does. "But now, guys, tell me what all of you have been up to while I was gone. Johnny told me earlier he works at Starbucks, but Jae? Yuta?

"Well, there's nothing to be proud of," Jaehyun says simply, his eyes covered by the drunken haze. Both him and Johnny have drunk the most throughout the evening. "I work at the gas station, nothing much. I dropped out of college in my second year."

"I'm a PE teacher in primary school" Yuta says, almost reluctantly. "I also guide the school's football team. We're the best in Seoul and I'm so proud of them. Almost makes me wish I had my own child, too."

Ten nods with approval, Yuta's words clearly getting him interested. "But weren't you studying business management?"'

"I couldn't keep up and failed the first semester," Yuta admits, though there's no shame nor regret in his voice. Doyoung feels trapped, sitting next to Ten who's clearly set his mind on interrogating everyone at the table. "But it's not like I'm not glad it didn't work out. I'd rather work with people than numbers."

"Glad to hear that," Ten replies, smiling slightly. It's awkward and Doyoung wants to run away. "Not everyone's as hungry for success as our Doyoungie."

"You are," Doyoung replies nonchalantly, but once he makes eye contact with Ten, he realizes they're both aware it's not just a simple remark. "You came all the way here to get your PhD, why? Wouldn't it be easier with your connections in China?"

"It's not about it. I'm perfectly self-sufficient," Ten says confidently. Doyoung thinks he's imagining things, but everything Ten directs at him feels as if he was trying to prove something; but what? "Not everyone needs to get into their higher-ups' good books to achieve something."

"Let's go with shots, they're on special today," Johnny interrupts even before Doyoung has a chance to talk back. "My treat. I just got paid a few days ago."

"Alright, but it's the last round," Jaehyun yawns. "I'm tired and, you know, my girlfriend's picking me up, so."

"Hey, Doyoung," Ten raises his voice, speaking so cheerfully no one would say he'd been so fierce just a while earlier. "Would you give me a ride? Since you drove here in the first place..."

"Can't you just take a cab with Johnny and Yuta?" Doyoung asks, doing his best not to wince. He really can't bother to put up with Ten any longer.

"I live in the same neighborhood as you, otherwise I wouldn't ask," Ten has set his mind on going home with Doyoung, at this point it's obvious with the way he's looking at Doyoung, closely studying Doyoung's reaction to his question. "What a coincidence, isn't it?"

"Fine," Doyoung gives up. It's just another half an hour with Ten, nothing much, except it's even worse as it's going to be just the two of them. "You wouldn't let me drive away without you even if I declined."

Doyoung casually engages in the rather dying out conversation until everyone calls for a drive home. They eventually split up outside, Ten and the rest of their high school exchanging hugs. For some reason, only Yuta walked up to Doyoung and gave him a quick hug, but Doyoung doesn't particularly mind. He's not the one to seek any kind of skinship, has never really been, except in high school when it was about Ten. He'd use every chance he got to touch Ten some way, as long as it didn't look suspicious or overly clingy.

Years later, on the contrary, Doyoung keeps his safe distance from Ten. Just as if they were strangers.

Except for Doyoung asking Ten to put his address into the car navigation, they don't exchange a word for a solid fifteen minutes, including the few minutes they spent walking up to Doyoung's car. There's one particular question Doyoung wants to ask Ten, sitting at the back of his tongue and leaving a bitter taste with each gulp.

"I wasn't really keeping up with our friends' lives despite like, following them on social media and stuff," Ten suddenly speaks up, and Doyoung can tell it's only for the sole purpose of killing the awkward silence. "It's kinda sad to hear Jaehyun and Johnny are wasting their youth working shitty jobs, like, don't you think they're cut out for more?"

"I won't judge them, Ten, if that's what you want from me," Doyoung says steadily, finding back his confidence. He's in his comfort zone, mind sober and clear, meanwhile Ten sounds more drunk than he did in the bar. "I haven't kept in touch with them for years. I'm in no place to talk behind their backs."

"You're no fun," Ten pouts, crossing his arms over his chest. Doyoung glances at him for the first time since they got into the car and regrets it the same moment his gaze focuses on Ten's glossy lips for a little too long. "It was always me and you, back in high school, sticking together. I was hoping I could share some juicy gossip with you, I mean, after all we're best friends."

"Then why, Ten?" Doyoung sighs. He's afraid of making a fool of himself, of him wrongly thinking Ten was bothered enough to make the conversation about Doyoung. "Why would you keep making remarks about me and my job throughout the whole evening? Have I ever made you feel inferior because of what I do? Fuck, Ten, it's not even like my position in the company matters."

"Come on, Doyoungie, I was just teasing you," Ten shrugs the issue off, but Doyoung knows he's well aware why the topic was brought up in the first place. "I'm proud of you, you know that. No reason for me to like, come at you? Is this what you mean?"

"Nevermind, you know," Doyoung sighs tiredly. The streets are almost empty and, in their current position, it's a blessing. Doyoung doesn't want to be in Ten's presence any longer. "I didn't mean to... I just felt like... But this doesn't matter. We're here."

"Thanks for the ride. Might call you for a drive home more often after tonight," Ten jokes and slaps Doyoung's thigh a few times, startling him. "Loosen up, life's not that serious. See you around, Doyoungie."

"Goodnight."

Doyoung's words get lost in the sound of Ten slamming the door shut. Doyoung winces, used to Taeyong knowing how to close the door with just the right level of force, as his friend is the only person Doyoung ever gives a lift to. It takes Doyoung a minute to get his mind to a state clear enough for him to start the engine and drive home. It's a short distance, not even five minutes with no traffic, and that's the only thought Doyoung keeps in mind on his way back. Only after he steps into his apartment does he sigh in frustration, body filling with the familiar heat of gradually building up anger.

He knows Ten wasn't just teasing him, there was a certain level of spite in his voice, but it was still subtle enough for Ten not to come out as outright rude. Doyoung feels mainly frustrated with himself, as he found himself unable to respond accordingly to Ten's remarks.

Ten knew Doyoung would be reluctant to throw a fit and confront him in front of people they used to be close to, because it's just not appropriate.

Doyoung knows he should've carried on with the topic instead of acting like it's nothing, making himself look like a self-centered idiot. Whenever Ten is around, Doyoung finds himself acting without any reason, giving up to Ten and agreeing to him taking the lead, even if it meant Doyoung felt uneasy by Ten's behavior. It feels very much like high school, with Ten having an upper hand in every situation and Doyoung following blindly, happy with just being around the love of his life.

But Doyoung doesn't love Ten anymore. He doesn't, he can't, not after he got over Ten a while ago. There must be another reason for him losing his mind in Ten's presence, for not being able to object, for paying attention to each detail of Ten's looks and physical appearance.

There must be a reason for Doyoung ignoring everything his mind says about Ten, everything commonsense tells him to do; the two things he'd always taken as a priority when making a decision doesn't mean shit when it comes to Ten.

And that leaves Doyoung under Ten's mercy.

Hands tied, down to the ground vulnerable.

***

"Do you want to go for a drink tonight?"

Doyoung jumps in his seat, abruptly turning his head in Taeil's direction. Taeil's standing right next to Doyoung's desk, arms crossed over his chest. Doyoung can tell he's nervous by the way Taeil's body prepared itself for hearing a rejection, closing off. Taeil's also biting the inside of his mouth, his eyes boring holes into messily arranged documents on Doyoung's desk. Doyoung texted Taeil earlier he has to skip lunch if he wants to leave work at the same time as usual, finding himself particularly slow with getting things done today.

There's nothing Doyoung can put the blame on for randomly clouded brain, just himself. Ten hasn't texted him since Saturday, and neither has their group chat popped up in a notification bar, which gives four full days for Doyoung to get over himself.

"You scared me," Doyoung puts his hand over his chest dramatically, Taeil cracking up a smile at Doyoung's act. "Sure. It's not like I'll get anything done at home with the way my mind's rebelling against me today."

"I should've asked yesterday," Taeil says, visibly more relaxed. The sleeves of his white shirt are rolled up, exposing Taeil's slightly tanned forearms and hands. It's difficult not to catch even a little bit of sun these days, and Doyoung notices the tone of Taeil's skin makes a perfect match with the color of his shirt. "You'll have to leave your car at the parking lot overnight."

"Taking a cab isn't an issue," Doyoung assures. It really isn't, even if it disrupts his plan for the day. It's all fine when he wants to go out, and he has to admit not eating lunch with Taeil made him feel just a bit empty. "Let's meet by the elevator at six thirty?"

"Fine with me," Taeil agrees, now smiling without restraint. "See you later, then."

Doyoung hums in response, but Taeil's already gone. Doyoung finds a new source of motivation to get down to work and actually finish at least one thing he's supposed to take care of today. It's already 3 and he's wasted enough time being distracted, so it's only reasonable to take drinks with Taeil as a reward for actually spending the last few hours at work productively. Doyoung's having one of the very rare days when he finds the white noise in the office irritating, when most of the time the silent buzz helps him focus, drown his own thoughts away in the soft hum of the AC and muffled giggles of his coworkers, meters away.

By the time Doyoung gets off work, he manages to tick off most of the points he'd planned to get done today, which didn't really seem like the case before Taeil stopped by his desk. It's not like Doyoung didn't like his job before; it was alright and paid reasonably well, but ever since he and Taeil crossed the border of being just friendly-coworkers and entered the ‘possibly friends’ territory, Doyoung noticed he gets up every morning with more energy and visibly lower overall need to complain about unchangeable things. It's only been a few lunches they've had together, and the shifts in his life aren't particularly significant, but Doyoung has always paid great attention to details, especially if they concern him and his life.

Doyoung knows he shouldn't read too much into the situation, but a part of him feels tormented whenever he remembers how much impact Taeil's presence already has over his daily scheme. He can’t help but suspect there's more behind simply enjoying each other's company, but Doyoung is just overly cautious towards people in general, and it's so easy to put the blame on this particular trait.

"It's actually my favorite place to drink," Taeil explains, once they're done with their orders at the bar Taeil has chosen, twenty minutes on foot from their company building. "But it's not really like I'm the type to enjoy... this kind of gatherings, as I prefer more low-key places, but I figured it would be awkward to invite you over to my apartment just now."

"You can ask next time," Doyoung says, surprised by his own straight-forwardness and implying he wants to spend more time with just Taeil when their first outing alone has barely even started. "It's the same for me, actually. Our monthly outings and the few random ones we have here and there are just enough of what I can put up with."

"Maybe one day we'll get to the point where we can just give our credit card away and leave," Taeil jokes lightly, playing with the hem of his rolled up sleeve. He doesn't really look at Doyoung, staring either at his drink or an unknown spot behind Doyoung's shoulder. "Have you heard Kyungsoo's up for promotion?"

"He gets along with Minseok, so it's only fair, I guess," Doyoung shrugs. He might be competitive, but he also knows his place in the scheme of things, so he doesn't really expect any kind of promotion for himself in at least the next two years. "I think you've recently said something about your landlord implying he wants to kick you out, right?"

"Unfortunately," Taeil sighs heavily, taking the first sip of his whisky mixed with cola. He scrunches his nose after swallowing. Doyoung can tell Taeil ordered the drink only to leave a good impression. "No one has ever complained about me, despite what he's trying to prove, so I guess... I'll have to start looking for something new, which already gives me a headache."

"My parents helped me find my current apartment," Doyoung reveals. It's not something many people know, because if he couldn't even get an apartment himself, then let alone other, less trivial things in life, right? "They actually... Bought it for me, though I rather keep it a secret."

"There's nothing wrong in being privileged in a way, not in the world we live in," Taeil shrugs. He's always rather cautious at judging other people and their lives, keeping his distance from the issue currently at hand. That's probably one of the main reasons Doyoung finds it so easy to confide in him. "Living costs are presumably more bearable if you split the bills with someone else."

"I wouldn't know," Doyoung says, in two minds about the thing he's about to share next. "I've never really dated nor had a roommate. Not even in college."

"Me neither," Taeil looks at Doyoung's face for the first time since they arrived at the bar, making eye contact for a brief second before he moves his gaze back to the glass. "I mean, there was... someone, in college, but it lasted only a year. My life's not that interesting."

"That makes the two of us."

Doyoung isn't used to talking about his personal life with someone who's not Taeyong, let alone if the conversation goes into the grounds of love and relationships. There's nothing he has to say, not if he wants to have a life after he potentially admits he's gay, and so he's now racking his brains in search for a topic that doesn't hold any potential danger.

Taeil spares Doyoung the trouble and saves them both from the slightly awkward silence by starting a story about his first alone mini movie marathon he went to recently. You can never go wrong with talking about superheroes, right? Taeil shares his thoughts on 'Far From Home', and how he prefers marathoning the whole series before watching the newest release, no matter what movie he's about to watch. Doyoung listens to Taeil intently, learning the story of how Taeil and Jungwoo always go to the MCU movies together, but this particular time Jungwoo had already planned in advance the anniversary dinner with his girlfriend and Taeil just couldn't wait any longer to see Jake Gyllenhaal on the big screen.

Doyoung had already known the two were close, by the way they'd always sit next to each other at the team outings and share some inside jokes here and there. Despite hearing the obvious, Doyoung is a bit taken aback when Taeil names Jungwoo as his best friend.

"It's... quite unusual to have your coworker as a best friend," Doyoung says, already his third drink in, just like Taeil. Drinking with him goes exceptionally smoothly, even though the first drink they'd ordered went in with a bit of a difficulty. It was mainly due to their natural restraint, though. "I met mine in college. We managed to get close before he dropped out."

"I'm not that close to any of my college friends. I mean, we get along quite well and meet from time to time, but I've never really felt the...connection, you know?" Taeil replies, his cheeks and hair a little messed up. His slightly disarrayed state makes him look even more attractive in Doyoung's tipsy mind than earlier that day at the office. "Once we graduated I realized how different we are. Oh, and they also prefer DC."

"Don't you dare disrespect Wonder Woman like that, Taeyong would strangle you," Doyoung laughs, not even trying to sound threatening. "That's my best friends' name, I mean."

Taeil leans closer to Doyoung with curiosity. "So what's he doing for a living?"

"Pretty adult question," Doyoung smiles before he finishes his drink in one go. "Let's order another round, should we? Anyway, Taeyong. He's a vocal coach, and he even auditioned to SM once, but they didn't take him in. I'll never understand why. "

"That's a shame," Taeil nods with sympathy. "I'm glad you have someone like that in your life. The older I am, the more difficult it gets for me to get close to anyone, really."

"Same for me, so it's actually pretty nice we got to, you know. Talk and stuff."

Doyoung doesn't want to name what he feels about it. Outside the office, Doyoung gets to see the more playful, relaxed side of Taeil, which he probably keeps only for the people he's closer with than for any other coworker. Doyoung hasn't had the chance to know someone like that in a while.

"Let me ask one thing, Doyoung," Taeil states, though the underlying playful tone in his voice reveals the question won't keep the topic of their conversation serious. "Do you think it's safe to discuss who's the best Spiderman?"

"We both know Tom Holland is the only answer you'd accept," Doyoung teases, making Taeil burst out laughing for the first time ever. The sound of Taeil's laugh is so pleasant to the ear Doyoung feels as if he was about to melt on the spot.

"You're right," Taeil agrees. "I'm still traumatized after Endgame, and Tom Holland's take on the Spiderman character is so refreshing, you know?"

"Yeah, I'm still kinda bitter about the ending they gave Ca---"

Doyoung stops mid sentence upon seeing the notification that's just popped on the lit up phone screen, close to being paralyzed after he takes in what he's just read. It's Ten. Ten asking if Doyoung's free this Saturday.

"Doyoung? Everything okay?" Taeil's all serious again, voice enveloped with panic. "Doyoung?"

"Fuck, just... Fuck," Doyoung shakes his head and then takes a deep breath, sobering up in a second. "Sorry, Taeil. It's... I told you my life had taken a fucked up turn, didn't I? Well. It's from the person who caused it."

"You don't have to confide in me, but if you need advice or a shoulder to cry on, I'm here," Taeil assures. He moves away from Doyoung to the other side of the table, giving Doyoung his space.

"This person was there, at the reunion with my high school friends on Saturday," Doyoung starts. He trusts Taeil just enough to briefly explain the situation, although he doubts he'll ever be ready to tell the whole story. "We have... kind of a past? I mean, not really, but I don't know how to name it accurately. They recently came back to Korea after a long time and... I'm not dealing with it well. I'm not dealing with it at all."

"That's a lot to take in, but also not enough for me to comfort you in any way," Taeil says honestly, though it's obvious he's worried and kind of perplexed. He's never seen Doyoung in that state, very few people have, but Doyoung's too jittery to care. "I just hope things will work out for you."

"Thanks," Doyoung answers faintly, his head spinning as if he drank at least twice the amount he did tonight. "Let's call it a night? Sorry, Taeil. I didn't intend to ruin the night."

"It's fine," Taeil smiles lightly, patting Doyoung's shoulder reassuringly before he stands up. "Let's go. I'll call a cab for us."

"No need to. I'll take the subway."

They part at the entrance to the bar, Taeil waiting for the cab by the door and Doyoung walking away to the nearest station. There's still quite a lot of cars on the street, but other than that, people seem to have vanished as Doyoung only passes by a few on the way. His pace is exceptionally fast, as if someone was chasing him, but Doyoung vainly hopes he will be able to shake the uneasiness off if he walks just fast enough. He doesn't want to look at his phone again, see Ten's name displayed on the screen, read the remaining part of the message that didn't make it onto the lockscreen. Who he was trying to fool by believing that Ten will leave him alone after the reunion? Why was he even expecting things to die off slowly on their own, knowing Ten well enough to realize he won't back off? Why would he keep pulling the wool over his eyes instead of bracing himself for further aftermath of Ten's reentering his life?

The answer stays the same, is the same just like a month ago, when Ten asked Doyoung to pick him up from the airport. Doyoung's still scared, and yet, the more overwhelming Ten's presence becomes, the more Doyoung clings to him, ignoring every call of reason that pops up in his mind. The way his body reacts to something so trivial like a simple message from Ten should be enough of a warning sign, enough for his reason to take over the emotions and cut ties with Ten altogether. It's not even that difficult, and yet Doyoung voluntarily opts for bringing more and more emotional torment into his life, where the key to ending it all is just within arm's reach.

Once Doyoung takes a seat in the almost empty train, he realizes he's too deep into Ten to back off. Not anymore, not when the prospect of getting closer to his best friend is as risky as it's tempting, luring Doyoung in because what could possibly go wrong?

They're best friends. They _were_ best friends. Nothing else.

***

It would be an exaggeration to say Doyoung didn't expect to end up in this situation.

He's just stepped off the subway at the Itaewon station, just like Ten asked him to, and he's now heading into the entrance they're supposed to meet by. No one knows Doyoung's doing this, and by no one Doyoung has Taeyong in mind, because who else could he even ask for advice? His friend would've certainly advised him against meeting Ten without even knowing where they're headed, and yet Doyoung went against all the signs telling him the idea is awful. Ten has only texted Doyoung the time and the station he wanted them to meet up at, nothing else, but still enough for Doyoung to comply recklessly. This should've made Doyoung think about the proposition not twice, not three times, but at least ten. And, despite everything he's gone through because of Ten, he agreed almost immediately.

Ten didn't even need to persuade Doyoung for long. Doyoung might as well still be his high school self, always ready to be on Ten's beck and call.

Doyoung's dressed according to the specific dress code Ten texted him earlier, which stated he should be wearing _something comfortable yet stylish_. Doyoung suspects they're simply going out for drinks in one of the fancy clubs around the area, a place very Ten-like, and so the only thing he's worried about is the fact that it's going to be just the two of them. Ten's rather unpredictable, even more than he used to be back in high school, where Doyoung was aware of Ten's antics to the greater extent. He's no longer able to calculate how to react to certain things, as Ten somehow manages to catch him off guard every time they cross paths. Doyoung feels as if he was losing control over his own behavior when Ten's around, contrary to what he'd used to act years ago, when he was still head over heels in love with Ten.

Back then he was at least trying to be aware of what he does in order to guard his secret properly; he was trying to control himself. Now he's just letting himself loose, as if the stakes weren't a thousand times higher.

Doyoung makes out Ten's figure standing near the staircase, holding a barely lit up cigarette in between his fingers. He's dressed in a mostly see-through black t-shirt and ripped black jeans, hair styled up and eyes accented with eyeliner. Ten looks plainly mesmerizing, and Doyoung tries his best to stop staring at his ‘best friend’. It's been a while since Doyoung let the warmth pool in his stomach upon seeing an attractive man and, just for a mere second, the realization makes him dizzy and he has to support himself with the rail. He knows all too well he's not supposed to feel like that about any man, let alone his best friend, but that's something he can't fight against.

He can't, won't change, but he still can keep the remnants of his dignity.

"You can't smoke here."

"Well, nice to see you, too," Ten rolls his eyes and throws the cigarette onto the ground. "Don't call the cops on me, Doyoungie."

Doyoung shakes his head refusinly. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” Ten replies excitedly. Doyoung isn’t sure whether he trusts the glint in Ten’s eyes as he says it. “I even booked a table for us.”

“So we’re having dinner?” Doyoung asks, walking next to Ten in the direction only his friend is familiar with.

“No,” Ten says gladly, his smile with a tint of mischief. “Far from eating, actually. Don’t ask any more questions, Doyoungie, you’ll ruin the fun.”

Doyoung still finds it awkward to be the first to strike up a conversation, and so they walked in silence until Ten suddenly speaks up and starts telling Doyoung about the hell he went through with unpacking his stuff and temporarily organizing them in boxes, as he couldn’t have cared less about putting things in order when moving out from his apartment in Beijing. _Not really my apartment, but whatever_ , Ten throws in, but before Doyoung has a chance to inquire, Ten changes the topic to something completely unrelated to moving. Doyoung doesn’t fully take in what Ten’s saying, focusing rather on observing their surroundings and trying to figure out where they’re headed. He feels a slight pang of panic when they pass by one or two gay bars.

He can’t even pretend he’s not aware where exactly they are. It’s been ages since Doyoung visited this part of the district, but his memory is vivid.

“We’re here,” Ten announces once he stops near the entrance to the dance club. Gay dance club. “Pretty close from the station, isn’t it?”

“Why didn’t you tell me where you’re taking me?” Doyoung hisses, backing away from Ten. “Fucking hell, Ten. I’m leaving.”

“Doyoungie, come on,” Ten reaches for Doyoung and tightly grabs his forearm, preventing him from shoving off. “That’s exactly why I didn’t tell you. You wouldn’t have come if I did.”

“Ten, I’m… I’m not like…” Doyoung sighs in frustration, running his fingers through his hair and trying not to blow off and kindly ask Ten to fuck himself. “I’m not the one to enjoy this kind of places, okay?”

“It doesn’t matter, Doyoungie. No one will judge you,” Ten shrugs, but his seemingly indifferent position doesn’t match with the way Ten’s eyeing Doyoung curiously. “And besides, you’ll protect me from all the creeps. Don’t you want to have fun, just the two of us? No one will hit on us if we’re together.”

“No one will hit on you,” Doyoung says, pretending that distancing himself from the fact other men in the club might find him attractive can solve the problem. “I’m not doing this again, Ten. Ask Yuta next time, whatever.”

“I want to spend the night with you, not Yuta,” Ten hasn’t taken his eyes off Doyoung even for a second, and the words send chills all over Doyoung’s body. He doesn’t know whether it’s the chill of excitement or dread. “Let’s go inside. I’ll pay for you.”

The club is huge, and there’s a separate section for dancing and drinking, with the tables and a bar. Doyoung easily spots the table Ten booked for them and takes a seat, tentatively looking around the area for any familiar faces. There’s one, but it’s just Ten flirting with the bartender. Doyoung knows he shouldn’t drink too much, shouldn’t drink at all if he doesn’t want do end up doing something stupid or reckless, but a part of him wishes he could get smashed to stop the feeling of self consciousness, as if he was committing a crime simply by being here. A part of him had sensed he shouldn’t have agreed to meet Ten, not like this, when their plans were a surprise, so he can only blame his lack of reason for putting himself in this position. Doyoung has never felt like a part of the LGBT community, despite discovering he’s gay when he was nearly fifteen. It’s a long time to come to terms with the unchangeable, and yet, Doyoung feels as if he only now realized he’s not even a bit straight.

After running away from the truth for so long, Doyoung feels defeated.

“I thought you’d rather we had another reunion,” Doyoung leans over the table and basically screams into Ten’s ear once the latter arrives with a set of soju shots. He hates it, hates the unavoidable proximity, hates the heat radiating from Ten’s skin. “You seemed to have fun last week.”

“But we didn’t really have a chance to talk, did we?” Ten puts his hand on Doyoung’s forearm, his lips almost brushing against Doyoung’s neck. “I couldn’t wait to catch up with you alone. We’re best friends, after all.”

Doyoung laughs with disbelief. “A dance club is hardly a good place for catching up, you know?”

“At least we’ll have some fun together. I mean, it’s a bit different kind of fun than we had in high school, but you need to loosen up,” Ten finally puts his hand away from Doyoung’s forearm. “That's what you deserve for working so hard, Doyoungie. Now let's drink and dance."

Doyoung has no choice but to comply and finish the shots alongside with Ten. He never drinks like that if he doesn't need to. Soju will evidently make him more relaxed, but if he wants to avoid putting himself in an uncomfortable position, he needs to stay alert after the second or third round, depends how fast Ten wants to get in the mood. There's barely any time for thinking as Ten basically drags Doyoung onto the dance floor, immediately catching on the beat of the song sounding like something very 80s like, though Doyoung isn't quite sure. He has no idea about the queer culture whatsoever, doesn't even know what songs are played in this kind of places. He's never really accepted who he is, doubts he ever will, and Ten pulling him right inside the gay dance club, out of all places, makes Doyoung feel insecure. That's not the life he knows, not the life he wants to have, but at the same time it's hard to say no when someone like Ten, unconsciously, ask him to cross the border he's never dared to.

Ten keeps his distance from Doyoung, dancing in front of him with eyes closed. Doyoung is grateful for that, because he doesn't need to stare at the crowd behind Ten's shoulder in order to avoid any accidental eye contact. Doyoung once again takes notice of how attractive Ten looks with some makeup on, as the lights cast a subtle shadow on Ten's cheekbones and highlight the outlines of his lips. Doyoung lets himself appreciate Ten's beauty only for a little, as he knows he shouldn't even care about how his friends looks tonight, let alone admire him like a work of art.

Doyoung acts like he hasn't already lost the battle when he agreed to go inside the club, even though he knows the easiest option is just so simply give in.

"I like the music in here," Ten leans into Doyoung's shoulder and speaks right into Doyoung's ear, his hot breath against Doyoung's skin making everything much more harder than it already is. "But you don't seem to enjoy yourself."

"I don't know these songs," Doyoung admits. "And I think you should buy us another round."

"How can you not recognize the classics?" Ten pretends to be scandalized, but he quickly laughs it off. "You don't deserve any more soju for this crime, you know? Wait for me at the table."

Doyoung suggests they finish the round and go outside to take a breath, despite dancing for not even half an hour. He finds the whole experience of going to a gay dance club with Ten, his one and only love so far, particularly overwhelming. He can't back off now, and drinking appears as an effective, temporary remedy for his panicked state. The way he's acting is only worsening his situation, but who can be blamed for it? Doyoung, for not knowing how to behave when directly faced with his identity and things he thought he'd overcome, or the society as a whole for being the way it is?

"Are you having fun, Doyoung?" Ten asks, leaning against the wall at the secluded area at the back of the club. "You're tense."

"I was just wondering why you really came back to Korea," Doyoung says, and the question that's been hovering in his mind for over a month is finally out. "I feel like you wanting to do your PhD in here is some kind of excuse."

"It's certainly not the first thing on my priority list," Ten replies casually. He stays silent for a while before he sighs heavily. "I don't really have any ulterior motives, if that's what you mean."

Doyoung shakes his head, even though he knows his denying is a lie. That's what he was asking about, in between the lines. "No, of course not. I think you mentioned you broke up with your boyfriend, so..."

"I got offered a job at the university," Ten starts, and though he's taken a seemingly indifferent approach about the grounds of his decision, it's evident he's reluctant to share the details. "But then my boyfriend, Kun, broke up with me. We'd been together for three years, and well, I can't say I hadn't seen it coming, but when it actually happened..."

"I'm sorry," Doyoung says, and he means it. "I didn't even know you had a boyfriend, though, so hearing about a break-up came as a surprise."

"We'd never posted about each other on social media," Ten continues, and the layers of bitterness start to cover his voice. "See, Doyoung, Kun broke up with me because it was only reasonable for him to stop playing around. He has a great job, a huge apartment and a family with connections. There's no way I could fit in the picture."

"I don't know what to say," Doyoung fills in the silence with a useless sentence so as to prevent the atmosphere from getting gravier. The worst part of hearing the truth about Ten's relationship is that Doyoung can actually understand where Kun was coming from. "But didn't you have anything else to hold onto?"

"I'm not the one to settle down for long, you know that. I just kinda thought it was a sign for me to move on. Or back to my roots, whatever."

Ten is evidently and painfully uncomfortable when put in a position when he has to talk about the not so polished side of his private life, and, despite being well aware it's immoral, Doyoung finds the sight satisfying. Ten could've just shrugged the question off, but seeing him so hurt and open tastes so much like a retaliation.

"Let's go back inside," Doyoung says. He's not particularly keen on dancing, but it's still better than trying to console Ten. "I'll order another round for us and we can dance."

The third round is finished as quickly as the previous two, and Doyoung finds himself on the dancefloor before he even realizes what's happening. He doesn't know if it's the soju, or if the atmosphere in the club became hotter and more steamy when they were outside, but the heatwave hits him as soon as he gets back in. Ten's dancing in front of him, though before Doyoung knows it, his friend breaches the gap between their bodies. Doyoung's head spins and his vision gets blurry before he takes in how close Ten actually is, almost grinding against him. Doyoung steps back and continues dancing as if nothing's just happened, but he can feel his cheeks heat up at the thought of Ten, _him and Ten_ , dancing so close it might look they weren't just friends hanging out. Actually, being seen in such place with another man would never be read as a 'best friends reunion', and Doyoung suddenly gets self conscious. What if people find out about it? How will Doyoung convince them it didn't mean a thing?

"Relax," Ten circles his arms around Doyoung's neck, slowly swaying to the music with his chest basically pressed against Doyoung's. "No one cares about us, Doyoungie."

Doyoung wants to resist, wants to take Ten's hands off himself, and yet finds himself unable to move. "I do."

Ten doesn't seem to hear what Doyoung said, and even if he did, he ignores it with ease and puts one of Doyoung's hands on his waist before going back to his previous position. Doyoung knows he's tipsy and yet not drunk enough not to be able to refuse and react accordingly, but it feels as if he's lost control over his own body and the only force ruling it is instinct, some kind of lust that reawakened itself inside him after all these years. There was a time where he'd dreamt of himself and Ten being even more intimate with each other and the position they're in at the moment would be considered rather prude, but Doyoung constantly reminds himself it's not who he is, not anymore. Despite leaning into Ten's touch, letting Ten accidentally brush their hips and thighs, the thought of the forbidden nature of these gestures keeps ringing in Doyoung's head. Each and every effort he makes to push Ten away is futile, and the alcohol makes Doyoung's morale collapse into pieces. Doyoung has never let himself act so recklessly and even his high school self, helplessly in love with Ten, would never allow such a thing to happen.

Doyoung knows that's not how he is, and he's not the person he appears to be right now. His life is organized, planned in detail, made to be admired and taken as an example. The safe space he's created for himself makes him comfortable, makes him feel accomplished, and he can't just throw it all away in one night.

"I'm going to drink some more," Ten whispers into Doyoung's ear, and his mouth brush against Doyoung's earlobe. "Want to go with me?"

Doyoung finally frees himself away from Ten and shakes his head. "No, I'm good, thanks."

Doyoung would've probably agreed to go, but they've drunk a few more rounds throughout the night and he feels as if he's gone far beyond his limit. Doyoung looks at Ten with the corner of his eye and sees him finish the whole round of soju shots by himself at the bar, winking at the bartender as he pays. He's not even gone for ten minutes, almost tripping over his own feet when he gets back to where Doyoung's standing. Doyoung purposely puts on the most unwelcoming expression on his face so that no one approaches him when Ten's gone, but he still has to shove some drunk guy away from himself. Ten doesn't seem to mind Doyoung's uneasiness and almost grinds against him as if it's nothing, pushing Doyoung's limits to the edge. He doesn't think he can take it anymore; he's already found out his will isn't as strong as he'd like it to be, and kind of admitted he hadn't quite got over the past, so what else does the universe want from him?

"I'm dizzy, Ten," Doyoung shouts into Ten's ear and keeps him in place by gripping Ten's both shoulders. "I'm going home."

"Why so early?" Ten whines. "But okay, let's go."

"You don't have to come with me," Doyoung says, but Ten's no longer listening. Instead, he's already on his way out, and Doyoung has no choice but to trail behind him.

It's nearly four in the morning, and the night sky is slowly losing it's dark blue color in favor or soft, orange hues of the dawn. The air's a bit chilly and Doyoung shakes at the temperature difference between the club and the street, but he's also thankful for the weather for snapping him out of his daze. The atmosphere wakes him up and the fresh air helps him gain full consciousness. Ten's standing next to him, leaning against the wall with his eyes closed, breathing heavily. He looks as if he was about to fall asleep, and so Doyoung pokes Ten's shoulder to get his attention.

There's barely anyone nearby.

"I'll get you a cab, okay?" Doyoung asks, the number already on the speed dial.

"I don't wanna go home," Ten's whining, again, looking at Doyoung sleepily. He crosses his arms over his chest and rubs his shoulder so as to warm up. "Why don't we go to your place, Doyoungie?'

"What for?" Doyoung asks defensively, tensing up. Ten, quite drunk Ten specifically, is the last person Doyoung wants to invade his private space when he's questioning his whole moral compass. "There's no point, Ten. We're basically neighbors."

"And that's exactly why it makes sense," Ten replies with a sudden wave of enthusiasm. "I need someone to take care of me when I'm drunk, so you don't really have a choice."

Doyoung sighs, knowing there's no way for him to say no now. Ten would probably jump into Doyoung's cab if he disagreed, so it's better to cut the pointless discussion right there and simply agree. The universe must be against him, Doyoung thinks, let alone his sanity.

As the cab driver takes off into the direction Doyoung has provided, Doyoung doesn't even bother to pretend the rest of the night will go smoothly with Ten planning to sleep over at his place.

***

"Lifeless as always," Ten groans as he plops onto the couch in Doyoung's living room, sprawling himself all over the cushions. "You need to give some life into this place, you know? It feels as if nobody was living there."

"Don't get so comfortable," Doyoung ignores Ten's remark and prepares the same set of towels as the last time, looking through the lower drawer for his old clothes to give Ten to sleep in. "Go and take a shower. I'll make your bed."

"Do I really need to," Ten groans, but stands up nonetheless and takes the necessities from Doyoung. "We might as well catch up for real, now. It's a new day, why waste it?"

"Please," Doyoung sighs tiredly, rubbing his temples. "Ten, please."

Ten holds one hand in defense, holding the towels and clothes in the other, and almost trips over his feet on the way to the bathroom. Doyoung doesn't comment on it and walks straight into the kitchen. He sobered up significantly in the cab due to the responsibility of shushing Ten up so that he doesn't say anything stupid, but he supposes the taxi driver already got the wrong idea of them from the mere fact they were both men, going to the same address. Or maybe Doyoung's just paranoid; at this point, it's hard to tell.

The sun has already reached Doyoung's kitchen and the room is now completely lit up, warm sunbeams gleaming at the square table in the middle. Doyoung is wide awake, the signs of sleepiness long forgotten. He feels uneasy, knowing the sound of the water running under the shower means someone else is there with him; Ten is, walking around Doyoung's home just like an intruder. Ten tends to invade Doyoung's safe space just when Doyoung is the least comfortable with it, without prior notice, besieging him where all of his weak spots are exposed. Doyoung supposes he won't get any sleep until Ten goes back to his own apartment, and so he decides to brew himself some coffee. As he waits for the coffee maker to finish preparing his drink, he props himself against the counter on his arms, staring blankly at the white tiles on the wall. At least he can't see his reflection in them, because that would mean facing the person that proved to be a huge disappointment.

Doyoung finds the value in himself under two sections, his work ethic and his morale. Now, in his current position, Doyoung feels like a failure.

"The coffee smells heavenly."

"Damn, Ten," Doyoung jumps in his spot and quickly turns around to face Ten. "You scared me."

"Lost in thought, Doyoungie?" Ten asks. He's not wearing the shirt Doyoung gave him; just the shorts, with droplets of water resting on his shoulders and wet, freshly washed up hair. "Make some coffee for me, too, will you?"

Doyoung doesn't say anything and simply takes up a small cup from the cabinet and places it in the coffee maker. He doesn't feel like arguing with Ten about how his friend should just go to sleep already and leave Doyoung alone. Physically, at least.

"So, tell me," Ten picks up the conversation and, though Doyoung can't see him, he can hear Ten walking up. "Did you have fun tonight?"

Doyoung gulps and then takes a deep breath. "I did, yeah."

"Turn around, Doyoungie, I don't like talking to your back," Ten says, and Doyoung could swear Ten smirks when he sees Doyoung comply. "Thanks. You have a nice ass, but your face is much better."

"Aren't you tired, Ten?" Doyoung asks tiredly, arms crossed over his chest. Ten's leaning against the table, much closer to Doyoung than he would like, but at least there's still some distance in between them. "Your coffee is ready."

"I know, but see, Doyoungie, I've had a certain question stuck in my mind for a long time and I didn't really have a chance to ask back in the club," Ten staggers as he walks up to Doyoung, his words coming out as a mild slur despite him speaking rather slowly. He hasn't taken his gaze off Doyoung ever since he entered the kitchen. "Did you find yourself a nice girl when I was gone?"

"No," Doyoung says sharply. It's typical of Ten, the Ten Doyoung met after all these years, to ask such a question in the middle of Doyoung's safe space. "No, I didn't."

"That's a shame, really. I wonder why," Ten inquiries further, and his voice comes out more as a sneer than compassion. Doyoung hates it; hates it even more now that Ten is standing awfully close to him. "Was it because no girl could live up to your standards? Or maybe girls in general just aren't your thing?"

"That's bullshit, Ten," Doyoung cuts off airily, annoyance slowly clouding his brain. "You're in no place to comment on my private life."

"I meant no harm, Doyoungie," Ten replies with fake innocence, but the glint in his eyes says otherwise. "You know, it's just that we had such a great fun tonight it almost seemed as if you..."

"As if I what, Ten?"

Doyoung's voice comes out strained and cold through his clenched teeth. He feels trapped, and it seems as if there was no other way out than pressing his back against the kitchen counter in a hopeless attempt to back off.

Doyoung doesn't want to believe that all of this is real; that the scene of Ten standing so close to him their bodies are almost touching with Doyoung feeling paralyzed is truly happening.

"As if you wanted it as much as I do," Ten whispers and looks Doyoung in the eyes, his breath smelling like Doyoung's toothpaste. "Did it feel good to have your body pressed against mine?"

"Stop fucking playing with me, Ten," Doyoung raises his voice, as the flaring up anger and panic mingle, fucking up his brain. "I agreed to go because you'd asked me to, and I don't know what the fuck are you even insinuating, but I don't---"

Doyoung doesn't have a chance to finish the sentence as Ten grips his shoulder and kisses him.

It takes two seconds for Doyoung to process what's happening, that Ten's lips are moving on his own, before he pushes Ten away with full force, the latter hitting the table and a chair as he stumbles back.

"What the actual fuck, Doyoung?" Ten scowls as he picks himself up, and then glares at Doyoung. He would fall down onto the floor if the furniture that tamed his body wasn't there. "What the fuck was that?"

"Get out," Doyoung seethes, trying to cover the fact his voice is trembling. Ten winces at the pain as he touches the places on his body that will soon cover with bruises. "Get the fuck out!"

The former shades of lust in Ten's gaze, still fixated on Doyoung, are suddenly replaced by a mix of anger and disgust.

"You're full of shit, Doyoung," Ten sneers. "Your whole life is a lie and you know it, and yet you keep convincing yourself you're worth someth---"

"Get out!" Doyoung shouts for the last time, his voice ringing against the deafening silence in the room.

Only when Doyoung hears the door smashing does he realize he was holding his breath all along. To say he's shocked would be an understatement; his mind is blank and he feels as if he just imagined the whole thing, but there's no point denying it happened. The way the chairs are repositioned, two cups of coffee set on the kitchen counter, the blankets scattered around the couch. All of these point out there was someone else in here; that Ten was here, and he really just kissed Doyoung, probably still drunk as hell, judging by the things he'd said. Sober Ten probably wouldn't have mustered up the courage to say what he really thinks about Doyoung, because Doyoung knows it wasn't just drunken slur. They're both cowards in a way; Doyoung for obvious reasons, Ten for masking his real thoughts under the disguise of teasing and jokes that were supposed to mean no harm.

Doyoung should be proud of himself that he pushed Ten away once he realized what his friend was trying to do, but the fact they practically kissed makes him feel tainted. It wouldn't have happened if Doyoung had been more assertive, had set the boundaries clearly, had fought for himself when he had a chance.

It wouldn't have happened if Doyoung hadn't let Ten read him like an open book. But was it really as involuntary as Doyoung wants it to be?

***

"I brought us dinner," Taeyong says as a greeting, closing the door with one hand and holding a plastic bag with food containers in the other. "How are you feeling?"

"Yongie, don't ask stupid questions," Doyoung grunts from the couch. "And I'm not hungry."

"I bet you haven't really eaten anything since yesterday, right?" Taeyong asks, setting the food on the small coffee table in front of the couch. Doyoung gives him silence as an answer. "Ten isn't worth it, you know."

"So why are you here? Isn't your time also not worth it?" Doyoung snaps, sitting up abruptly. "Wait, just. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have vented on you."

"It's okay," Taeyong assures, looking at Doyoung with both worry and compassion. Doyoung hates that, despite knowing Taeyong could only mean well. "We can talk about it if you want. Or not."

Doyoung doesn't reply. They eat the food in complete silence, with only the sounds of the busy street coming through the open window accompanying them. Taeyong's presence is enough for Doyoung to feel a bit better, though the memories from the early morning keep replaying in his mind. He doesn't want to analyze any of the reasons why the thing happened; doesn't want to confront Ten, doesn't want to wonder what he'd done to deserve all of this, doesn't want to talk it through. Doyoung only wants to forget and continue living his everyday life, as if Ten never reentered his life.

Except Doyoung knows things have gone too far and it's about time he sorted them out for good.

"I'm sorry my texts were a mess," Doyoung says once he puts the empty food container back on the table. "I was so fucking angry when I was typing."

"I've already told you it's nothing," Taeyong says, mouth still full of noodles. "We haven't seen each other in a while."

"You're the only person I can trust, you know," Doyoung sighs. There's also Taeil, but the gap between him and Taeyong is huge. "And I just... I need to let it out. Ten kissed me. I mean, he tried to kiss me, but I pushed him away."

"What?" Taeyong's clearly caught off guard, quickly swallowing his food so he can say more. "How the fuck?"

"I'm a fucking idiot and I agreed to go out with him to a gay dance club last night," Doyoung explains, and the frustration gets more and more evident both in his voice and the way he acts. "Ten drank more than me and we... We ended up here, in my apartment, because he insisted and I just... I shouldn't have entered the fucking club in the first place, not to mention we danced so close I don't know what I feel about him anymore, and I just..."

"It's okay to be confused, I mean, you loved him for a few years and he's still quite attractive," Taeyong chuckles so as to lit up the mood, and Doyoung is grateful for his sympathetic approach. Despite everything they went through, Doyoung still fears judgement. "But he's a completely different person now, isn't he?"

"That's not the point, you know?" Doyoung sighs. He stands up and starts walking around the room in circles. "My mind, countless times, told me hanging out with Ten is a bad idea. I knew it the moment I saw him at the airport and for a whole fucking month I was doing the exact opposite of what's reasonable."

"If he makes you do things you normally wouldn't and it's not bringing any good in your life, don't you think it'd be best to cut ties?" Taeyong asks, watching Doyoung with concern. "I suggest you take a few days off at work and rest, think things through. The company won't fall apart if you take care of yourself first."

Doyoung grunts. "What will I even do at home?"

"Doyoung," Taeyong sighs tiredly. "You've caught yourself in a huge mess and you need to figure out how to get out of it. You can't pretend it's nothing when you sent me a series of panicked texts at six in the morning."

"Alright."

Doyoung finally agrees, though he's reluctant to do so as it's equal to admitting he failed at controlling his own life. But maybe Taeyong's right; pretending he's fine won't take him anywhere as the burden will keep following him until the next time he sees Ten. What will happen then, if the feelings he'd bottled up explode? Doyoung barely takes days off unless it's completely necessary. Being somehow forced to reevaluate his priorities feels weird and takes Doyoung out of his comfort zone because he's never really put himself first. In high school, it was Ten; in university it was the score, and after graduating it's always work Doyoung thinks of first, never himself. When Doyoung and Ten parted ways after high school and Doyoung realized it's time to move on from Ten, he assumed he should focus only on studies and work instead of overanalyzing things in his mind. Feelings create an unnecessary mess; work, on the other hand, can only be rewarding.

Doyoung had been convinced it's true for years, but only after talking to Taeyong did he realize he'd set up a trap for himself by bottling everything up.

Taeyong leaves two hours later after they both finish catching up on each other's lives. Taeyong talks about Jisoo and how she keeps mentioning she wants to get married and how Taeyong's not ready for this, not to mention he hasn't proposed to her yet. Doyoung listens intently, and despite knowing it's wrong to feel that way, it's relieving and refreshing to focus on someone else's problems and not his own, for once. Even though they text rather frequently, Doyoung feels guilty for actually asking Taeyong for a meeting only when he's in need. He knows that's not how it should be, and Doyoung didn't really have time for Taeyong, too preoccupied with Ten to meet up with his actual best friend even for a little while.

Doyoung should be grateful for Ten for one thing; his drunken impulsiveness this morning made Doyoung realize it's time to open his eyes.

***

Doyoung was thinking about it the whole, not so busy Wednesday morning, ever since he woke up. It's only been two days, and he'd managed to sort everything out in his mind, but it required a lot of self perseverance to make certain decisions. Doyoung wouldn't talk to anyone during those two days; Taeyong knew not to text him, but the same couldn't be said about others. Ten would flood his phone with texts, too. He'd apologize in almost every one of them, occasionally asking if they could meet so Ten can apologize in person and explain himself. Doyoung was tempted to reply, though the two days of intensive thinking made him realize he doesn't owe Ten anything and he can make decisions on his own terms. The experience was freeing, considering how quickly Taeyong pointed out Doyoung would act like Ten's puppet. He's decided how to solve the Ten situation for good, though, to his own surprise, clearing things up with Ten isn't his first priority. At least not now.

Doyoung stops by Taeil's desk and softly knocks into the surface to get Taeil's attention. "Hey."

"Oh, Doyoung," Taeil is slightly startled at first, but his face soon lits up with a smile once he looks up at Doyoung. "I'm so happy to see you."

"I wasn't feeling well, so I took some days off and... Sorry for not telling you I wouldn't eat lunch with you," Doyoung explains, and he knows he's awkward, but he's not used to explaining himself nor apologizing.

Practice makes perfect, though.

"I asked Minseok about you," Taeil admits, a bit embarrassed. "I hope you don't mind. He only said you'd be back today."

"He's not really allowed to say anything more," Doyoung smiles. He should be feeling nervous about what he wants to say next, but he's surprisingly calm. "Do you have plans this Saturday? I thought we could eat out and then go for a coffee, I mean, if you want to. My treat."

"Of course I'd love to, especially if you're paying," Taeil grins back. It's evident Taeil wants to suppress his enthusiasm, but his face gives him away. "Sorry to cut it short, but I still have a shitload of work to do, and so do you."

Doyoung sighs. "I know, I know. See you at lunch."

Doyoung feels as if his brain was actually working a bit faster after these two days of sitting at home. He's still tired, more mentally than physically, but the prospect of somehow starting from scratch gives Doyoung a new energy to go on. He texts Ten back on his break and agrees to meet him on Saturday before going out with Taeil, which indirectly forces him to make it quick so he won't be late. Despite considering a few options how to deal with the aftermath of him and Ten almost kissing a few days back, what Doyoung chose to do seems to make the most sense and settles in the right place in Doyoung's heart. Doyoung probably should think everything over for at least one more time; that's what he'd usually do, but this time he wants to do not what he thinks is right, but what he feels is right.

Even if his somehow old self would call it reckless or straight out impulsive, Doyoung is convinced he couldn't have made a better decision.

***

When Doyoung enters the cafe five minutes earlier before the time he'd agreed to meet with Ten, his friend is already there. Ten's already halfway his drink, staring at his phone. He seems almost relaxed, as if he wasn't waiting for someone who he'd apologized to a great number of times over the past week. Doyoung wants to laugh. He's scared of facing Ten, scared of telling him everything he's planned, despite being well aware he shouldn't be the one panicking over the meeting. He's not the one that fucked up and he's here to make things clear for good, meanwhile Ten appears as unbothered as ever. Doyoung knows what he's here for, and Ten's attitude shouldn't mess with his intentions, and yet he's still afraid of not being able to stand for himself. The confidence he’s built up for himself about dealing with the matter has completely vanished once he’s stepped into the cafe, but he knows he can’t be a coward. Not now.

Not when he’s finally set his mind on putting all of it to an end.

“I’m gonna make this quick,” Doyoung says instead of a greeting, slipping into the seat across Ten. “I don’t think we should keep in touch anymore.”

There he said it, the words he thought wouldn’t come out of his mouth.

Ten jumps in his seat in surprise. “Hold up for a sec, Doyoungie. Don’t I deserve at least a hello from you?”

“Ten, do you really think it matters?” Doyoung sighs. Ten wants to take the conversation in a direction that’ll give him the upper hand, and Doyoung knows he probably won’t be in the lead for long. Not much can be truly changed in a week. “We’re not here to exchange greetings. Just say what you want to and let me go.”

“I was actually hoping we could talk from the heart this time,” Ten says. He puts his phone away on the table and looks Doyoung in the eye with a seriousness Doyoung hasn’t really seen in him. “I don’t really regret kissing you, or rather attempting to do so because you pushed me away. Why?”

“You can’t be serious, Ten,” Doyoung would run his hand through his hair in frustration if he wasn’t meeting Taeil later. Now, as he sits across Ten and feels more and more trapped by his friend’s games, he can’t believe he was so stupid to even consider meeting Ten before lunch with Taeil would be a good idea. “How the fuck did you get the idea I wanted to kiss you?”

“It’s easy to see right through you,” Ten tries to act indifferent, but his mocking expression gives him away. He knows how to wrap Doyoung around his finger and proved it many times during the last month, but this time Doyoung is fully aware of what’s happening. “You’re constantly pretending to be someone you’re not, Doyoungie, and you slip up so easily once you’re caught off guard. Last Saturday was a perfect example.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Doyoung tries his best not to show his anger, but he knows it’s all in vain. Ten’s touched on the sensitive topic on purpose, and at this point Doyoung is almost sure what to expect next. “You just can’t accept that I'm not the person I used to be in high school, can you?”

“And what’s so different about you now? You’re still scared of everything and obsessed about doing the right thing instead of what you really want,” Ten’s voice is challenging, and it’s evident he’s trying to push Doyoung to open up about things he doesn’t want Ten to know. “Only in the club last Saturday did I see who you really are.”

Doyoung hates to admit the fact Ten isn’t exactly wrong, but he can't give in and confirm his words. “Didn’t you want to apologize? That’s why I came here, not for this.”

"I've already apologized over text," Ten says, and Doyoung hates the nonchalance Ten carries himself with, the underlying tone of disregard in his voice that makes him feel abased. "We're best friends, Doyoungie, and you can be honest with me. It was evident we both wanted this, but I knew you wouldn't want to talk about it."

"You're fucking wrong, Ten," Doyoung supposes he should keep his temper in check, but he's already had enough of being treated like a puppet. "We're not best friends, not anymore. You disappeared for so long we completely grew apart, can't you see that? We're strangers, Ten. We know nothing about each other and everything you think you know about me is a lie."

"Then why are you always so tense around me?" Ten asks, leaning over the coffee table to take a closer look at Doyoung. "Do you really think you were able to hide the fact that you liked dancing with me in the club, liked the way I whispered to your ear when our bodies were pressed against each other? I know how to read the signs, Doyoung. Back in high school you also weren't---"

"Shut the fuck up, Ten. I've had enough of this," Doyoung raises his voice, and for a moment they have the attention of the other guests nearby, but this time he doesn't care. He's about to end things either way, and he's not the one who started this whole shitshow. "I don't want to keep in touch with you, not anymore. You're messing my whole life up, Ten, and you just don't get that it no longer revolves around you."

"I'll delete your number if that's what you want so desperately," Ten rolls his eyes. Doyoung feels humiliated, as if he was truly desperate, considering he'd planned to solve this issue way differently. "But it won't change the fact that avoiding me is equal to running away from the truth."

"Fuck you and your truth," Doyoung says, and his words come steady and clear, despite him internally shaking with frustration and anger. He knows there's nothing he can do to win against Ten and that he'll leave the cafe utterly defeated. "I don't need any of it."

Doyoung doesn't wait for Ten to reply and walks out of the cafe without turning around to spare Ten a glance. Their conversation lasted only a short while, but he feels as if he spent an eternity fending off Ten's attacks. That's not how Doyoung imagined their last conversation to be, after days of planning how to act and what to say to finally get the upper hand in their relationship. After all, Ten was supposed to understand Doyoung isn't the person he's taking him for. Doyoung was sure he'd stand up for himself confidently with the newly gathered courage, and yet he still ended up on the losing side.

Just like he always would.

This time, though, Doyoung doesn't blame himself for losing against Ten. He no longer feels as if he had something to prove, no longer feels as if Ten's opinion about him and his life mattered. He thought breaking things off with Ten would give him some sense of freedom, of taking his life back into his own hands, but there's only relief Doyoung feels as he's sitting in a cab on his way to meet Taeil. Doyoung feels as if a huge weight has just been lifted off his shoulders as he's no longer forced to keep in touch with someone who tried to make him a person he's not. Doyoung is aware Ten was trying to force him to admit to not being straight by throwing him into the deep end. The idea of someone guiding him through coming to terms with the part of himself he's never been able to accept sounds fair, but the way Ten was attempting to do so tipped Doyoung over the edge.

Closing the intense chapter with Ten in his life will allow Doyoung to change it for the better, though the lesson was hard to learn.

"Hey," Taeil says once he spots Doyoung in front of the restaurant. He's smiling nervously, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck as he takes a better, yet short look at Doyoung. "You look good.”

"You too," Doyoung smiles back. A mere sight of Taeil makes him feel warm inside and instantly puts his mind at ease. Doyoung has never felt this comfortable around anyone; never wanted to be around anyone so often. "Let's go inside."


End file.
